Once upon a time...

in a land far, far away, there lived a fashionista who toiled away endlessly among a closetful of Versaces, Diors and Louboutins. At first it was a heavenly sight, to be among her/his greatest heros but alas things became much more complicated with the evil stepsisters of the Queen Devil of the Fashion Land (and I may or may not be referring to the Sykes sisters). While her evil stepsisters (VOGUE, ALLURE, GLAMOUR?) went off to play at the New Yorkers For Children and Save Venice galas, poor little fashionista spent his/her evenings ordering Thai takeout from Sala Thai. Sniff, sniff...

Then one day fashionista woke up one dreary summer morning and thought, "Well, I want to show those dirty little stepsisters of mine who's really the fairest of them all!"

Fashionista stripped of his/her J. Crew wardrobe of flat front trousers and cashmere crewnecks and started pilfering from the fashion closet (just as his/her evil stepsisters did on a weekly basis) as if it was his/her own. A borrowed Prada cardigan here, a Narciso shift (or Thom Browne trouser) there, the only thing missing was the Prince to slip a pair of size 9 Manolos (or Prada loafers) on his/her newly Salon A.K.S.-ed pedicured feet.

And there began the tale of one fashionista's blossoming, a.k.a. "coming out party" when fashionistas everywhere began to notice...and then fear...of his/her reflections of our dirty, little industry.

Fashionista found him/herself rising through the ranks, eventually making it to the front rows (really, is fashionista going to be sitting in the fourth row by going to Milan and Paris?) of fashion weeks internationally. Dinners at Da Silvano, Davé, Del Posto...it was a mystery how fashionista could have kept his/her slim figure (WE MUST FIT IN A SAMPLE SIZE!).

And so the story ends...at least for now...as fashionista rides into the sunset on his/her white maned horse into the St. Bart's/Cabo/Parrot Cay New Year's Eve...

With this, a new year's resolution...a kinder more gentler fashionista has emerged so I bid adieu and wish you all a Happy New Year and hopeful continued happy days in Fashionland...

It's that time of the month

And no, I'm not talking about Aunt Flo...
It's that time when the weather outside tells you it's winter, the stores and streets are filled with holiday decorations and shoppers who literally drag their feet but I'm surrounded by summer dresses and stiletto sandals for February, March and April issues while juggling all the resort shows and appointments. Yeah, you could absolutely say with complete conviction that I AM NOT IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT! And that's on top of the fact that the Christmas gifts are rolling in...and just like last year, there ain't much to be crazy about. Is it me or is it not worth it being in the fashion industry for the Christmas swag anymore? I used to think quitting before the holidays was a big mistake but now I'm thinking it's not really that fabulous anymore anyway. You know it's bad when you get Veuve from Vuitton. Can I at least get a monogram keychain so I can sell it on ebay? Or at least give it to my sister-in-law?

Did she really say that on live television?

Ok, I'm running really, REALLY late. But I had to write about watching THE EARLY SHOW this morning (yes, at last I've defected from THE TODAY SHOW -- I couldn't take it anymore...Stacey London as the most trusted fashion authority, Dave Zinczenko as a relationship expert and having that former Ladies Home Journal beauty ASSISTANT turned fired blogger, Nadine Haobsh, give pointers on beauty...) I mean when you're the number one television program can't you actually get REAL EXPERTS?

Anyway, so I was walking out the door when I saw Joanna Coles on TV to talk about the shoe booty. Too bad it was spelled that way. It really is the shoe bootie. And she pronounced it like 'shubooty' like it was one word. Oh, puhleeze! Then even better she talked about women who have skinny ankles or ones who "have cankles...they look like tree trunks." WE KNOW HEARST HAS NO MONEY BUT CAN WE PLEASE HIRE SOME MEDIA TRAINING FOR THAT WOMAN BEFORE SHE DIGS MARIE CLAIRE FURTHER INTO THE GROUND? She said "cankles" AND "tree trunks" describing women's legs. Next she'll say WIDE LOAD and FAT ASS when doing a jean segment. And maybe we can look forward to her saying "watermelons" or "mosquito bites" when describing tits on air.

I thought THE TODAY SHOW was bad...but now Stacey and Bobbie Thomas aren't looking so bad next to incompetent editor-in-chiefs.

All I can say is: FUCKING GENIUS

I'm sorry. I have nothing to say except that Charocuchicuchi commented on the last post and sent the link to: www.funnyordie.com/videos/56c2d6a703.

I haven't laughed out loud like this in a long time. And can I add that I have more respect for James Franco than I could have imagined. Pure Fucking Genius.

Gracias, senorita Charocuchicuchi!

Happy weekends to you all...

And we have a winner!

So it's official. According to SHOWBIZ TONIGHT on CNN'S HEADLINE NEWS, Heidi (Montag) is a 19.2 on the Useless Celebrity Index. I'm not sure if that is out of 20 but basically she is officially the most useless celebrity out there. I bet she and Spencer are damn proud. Of course the very fact that I am writing about this is proof positive that even useless "celebrities" somehow take up more time and space in our minds than necessary. UGH. I think I just tasted vomit in my mouth.

Bad, bad, Louis!!!

Bad things come in 3s so I'm just waiting for the third strike against Vuitton. First it was the "suspicious" suitcases left at their 57th Street store causing them to cancel the rest of their accessories press day. And now it's their choice in having Vanessa Beecroft's plagiarized, I mean "I thought my work was original" installation for Vuitton. Don't you think the folks at Vuitton would figure out she's a total poseur and completely unoriginal and pretentious? Wow, let's put a bunch of nude women together in wigs in high heels. I am an artiste! I am zee coolest. I hate that sort of shit. That pretentious, fake "performance art" not to mention that she lifted the idea from an artist named Anthon Beeke. Good for Anthon for standing up for his rights! Hope LV kicked Vanessa to the curb. Maybe her next installation can be various conglomerates kicking her in the ass.

Speaking of bad, bad behaviour...Justin Bobby is just the grossest human being. Well, maybe next to Spencer's sister Stephanie who has the best quote of the evening. In describing Justin Bobby among the company of Lauren, Audrina and Brody she says, "He seems like the nicest one of them." YEAH, IF YOU'RE A COMPLETE DOUCHE BAG! And when Audrina went into the car with JB...she clearly has not had enough good sex in her life. Honey, child...get yourself a friend called the Rabbit and then you'll never miss Justin Bobby ever again.

Too cool for school

Ok, folks. It's getting to be that time...when the party is about to be over...

Just like socialiterank.com, I think I too must start my planning to bid adieu. Isn't it always better when you leave them wanting more? I've always broke up with boyfriends prematurely -- I mean, why wait until it really was on the rocks? I guess you could say I'm just too cool for school. Of course I say this all with a grin on my face, half kidding, half knowing that I am.....well,....the coolest. Who can say they had all of the fashion industry reading, worrying and speculating? It's just damn...special.

But I'm starting to wonder if it's getting old...and tired...a bit like...myself...

Do I hand the torch over? Do I reveal my identity to a few trusting successors? Do I make the blog disappear like socialiterank? Or do I just fade into oblivion...

A few notes before I sign off...(just for the night...don't worry! I'm not going away that fast...and definitely not without too much warning...)

1. Yes, my casting of Project Runway was genius. And I agree that my casting of Chris Kattan as Christian is one of the most brilliant casting choices to ever be made on this planet. I just hope SNL uses my suggestions.

2. The parts of SJP, Heidi, Nina, Tim and MK...any suggestions?

3. I'm way behind on GOSSIP GIRL but...is that girl Blake Lively (who plays Serena) the spitting image of a young Beth Blake? Beth Blake mixed with a little Lida Moore. Right? I am sooo on it! I am TOTALLY casting the fashionista version of GOSSIP GIRL. Beth Blake as Serena, Gretchen Gunlocke as Blair and Meredith Melling as Taylor...we're talking OLD SCHOOL DAHHHRRRLINGS!

4. And lastly for now, please tell this woman to stop wearing this headband look. Is it me or does she just BUG YOU? BUG! Bug. BUG. And she looks like a bug. Blech.

Project Runway: The Movie, Part Two

It's time to cast the movie version of this season's Project Runway. Starring:

Doori Chung as Victorya
Karen Allen as Elisa
Cameron Mathison as Jack
Kelis as Carmen
Chris Kattan as Christian
Michelle Pfeiffer as Simone
Kevin Spacey as Marion
Lance Armstrong as Steven
Joey Fatone as Kevin
Nathan Lane as Chris March
Edmundo Castillo as Ricky
Yigal Azrouel as Rami
Amy Sacco as Sweet P
Juliette Lewis as Jillian Lewis
Cyndi Lauper as Kit Pistol

I'm over the fact that all of them are designers. C'mon! Puhleeze! And the "Bluefly.com accessories wall" and all the other sponsor-plugs just kill me. I'm bored. I think I'm "out."

Chillin' with the Devil

Did YOU get an invite to this year's Seventh on Sale event? Do you remember when it used to be a low-key affair back in the 90s? That was when VOGUE was good and didn't focus every other page on socialites. While I may be bored with the socialite coverage I still gotta admit I enjoy looking through those pages ANY DAY BEFORE having to look at BAZAAR. I mean when are they going to pull the plug? And I'm sorry, they've got to train better television spokespeople! Not to fucking harp on the TODAY show again, but has anyone noticed how incredibly GREEN some of these chicks are who represent their magazines? I mean, except for Avril. Really, what does she do at BAZAAR besides do their TV segments? And is it me or has Stacey London dropped off the face of the planet? Or have I just been really lucky to miss her screeching voice?

The shopping was good. But the heinous people watching was even better.

I gotta watch THE HILLS and PROJECT on Tivo...more to report later. Ciao, folks.

A cinematic masterpiece

Okay, that THE HILLS episode was fucking fierce! I don't even know where to begin! The fashion show (!)...the cameo appearances of various known real-life fashionistas (!!)...the awkwardness of Spencer and Heidi's birthday dinner date (!!!)...the Chanel handbag (!!!!)...Lisa Love's sexy, wavy 'do (!!!!!)...Justin Bobby's "she's pretty good" comment over and over again (!!!!!!)...Lauren actually looking like she knows what she's doing being a back of house fashion producer (!!!!!!!). Does she have a new career working at KCD in the future? Oh no, that would require her to suck really badly.

I don't know if I've ever had so much fun watching an episode of THE HILLS! I want to watch it over and over again. It was so...REAL. That Heidi and Spencer are soooo not really a couple. SO FAKE! And Audrina should have hooked up with that dude from the band. Justin Bobby is sooooo gross! Blech! And what up with Whitney high-fiving Amy Astley! How embarrassing!

Black Monday

What to do when you've got not one but two black tie events to attend on a Monday night? Boycott them both! Or go to one for cocktails and attend the other for the ceremony. With both the Glamour Women of the Year awards at Lincoln Center and the ACE awards at Cips on 42nd Street, there will be lots of glitterati all around! We've got Jennifer Garner (what has she done lately that ummmm...garners her an award from Glamour?) in one ring with Heidi Klum in the other corner...I'd rather have Seal as my spouse than Ben Affleck....so...

Glamour: 0
ACE: 1

Then there's the battle of the writers: Shonda Rimes of Grey's Anatomy at Glamour vs Bridget Foley of W at ACE. I am hating the turn of events for Grey's this season and I need to suck up more to the fashion literatti...so again...

Glamour: 0
ACE: 2

And to round out the competition...Iman (model turned businesswoman) at Glamour vs Tory Burch (socialite turned businesswoman) at ACE...Well with reports that Lance Armstrong, her ex, is now dating Ashley Olsen, a gazillion years her junior...well...I'd have to say...

Glamour: 0
ACE: 3

What the fuck happened with Tory and Lance anyway? And what's the real deal with Ashley?

"72 Spring Street and I'm really in a hurry!"

I don't know how many times I have uttered those words myself trying to get down to MJ's offices. Who am I kidding? When I go to Marc Jacobs I wait for the fucking N/R.

But really, did Kate Waters REALLY need Lauren for the casting call of the M by MJ show? She's a fucking intern! I mean, I was scared when Michelle Lee, the casting agent, said that it was LC's responsibility that the girls "need to be 100% styled." May I repeat...SHE'S A FUCKING INTERN!!! The look of LC's face was priceless. A mixture of fear and "I'm wearing a nice dress, heels and carrying a Chanel bag...do I really have to...ummm...do hard work?"

And then Amy Astley's comment: "We're really counting on you," to Whitney as she is about to give her presentation. I think I'd sweat through my strapless Nanette Lepore dress too and faint along the way. I don't know about you, but working as AN ASSISTANT never came with these landmines. And then all the looks of all the Teen Vogue staffers...oh my Lord...LOVED the shnoz shot of JK, it was damn perfection!

Lauren, some words of advice...when you're introduced to MJ, GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND GET UP TO SHAKE HIS HAND. Did your parents in Laguna Beach not teach you any manners? Oh sorry, I forgot, you're from Laguna Beach...with nouveau riche red-necks/trailer trash as your parents. Clearly as they've allowed you to be filmed for reality TV. I forgot, they want to remodel their kitchen and your salary can help with that.

And, is Brody a douche-bag or is he hot?

Mr. Penguin waddles into town

Do you remember the time when the FGI Night of Stars event was a hodgepodge of middle-brow designers and...dare I say it...C-list celebrities? Now we have fashion darling, Alber waddling into Gotham to accept an illustrious award from...

Wait a second...what the hell is Fashion Group anyway? Does anyone know what they do during the year and who is that lady with the big hair who greets all of us as we walk through the doors at Cips? All I know is I need to get my first bellini in my system stat before I see that awful PR person I hate who I still fucking double-kiss anyway like the hypocrite I am. Ahhh, the joys of being a two-faced fashionista! How else am I going to continue to rise through the ranks of fashion employment?

I'm such a fashion hag I really loathe heading to these events. Do I really need to sit through another green bean/lobster salad with lamb and risotto or grapefruit/arugula salad with either raw or overly cooked filet? Can we just feed the homeless with all this overpriced food that people like "dermatologist" Lisa Airan push around with their fork all night so they can squeeze into their twelfth Lanvin dress purchased this year? Does all this conspicuous consumption make anybody else sick? Arrrrghhhhh!!!!!!!!

On a completely different note...does anyone else think that Rebecca Romijn's character on Ugly Betty "looks" like Kelly Bensimon? I mean, don't you think that Mrs. ex-Gilles "I have a giant cock" Bensimon could conceivably be a transsexual as well? Has anyone looked at the size of her hands? Just kidding.

View from the second row

You know you're really D-list when you're sitting second row at the Ann Taylor show. Do you think no one showed up because of the taxi strike or because at long last we've finally decided to put our foot down and Just Say No to commercial line fashion shows. I'm so over it. Seems like there were a lot of no shows this time around. I mean I remember when I saw Glenda and Cindi at the show a couple seasons ago. Now it's just M "I'm too anorexic to have a brain" MB and that chick from Glamour who looks like Olive Oyl. What the fuck?

The Hills look especially pleasing for next week. I love episodes with AA and cold as ice Lisa Love. But nothing could make me more happy than seeing a sneak peak of that pointy shnoz, prissy pursed lips and face of Jane Keltner in the scenes from next week. Will she have that giant stick up her ass? Will Whitney continue to become the next JK? Will Lauren suddenly become ruthless and shove Whitney down the stairs? And most importantly: will that God-awful Emily-intern-chick appear in the episode to stir up more loathsome behavior?

Who needs enemies when...

I smell catfight! To address "Heather"'s comments: Don't read my blog if you don't think you're getting enough "insider" information. If you purportedly work at Conde Nasty, then why would you need to read insider info on my blog...wouldn't you already have access to it on your own? Unless, that is, you're some sorry soul on the advertising side who thinks last season's Kooba bag is the IT BAG of the year. Go fucking write your own blog and fill it with all your insider information.

WHATEVER.

And Charocuchicuchi, thanks for your comments per usual, backing me up and also making the correlation of how both Teen Vogue/Hills and NYC Teens/Gossip Girl shows are completely related to the fashion world. I mean, Whitney is just Jane Keltner-in-training (the latter who still hasn't developed a personality last I checked...let's hope Whitney doesn't have the same demise). So Charocuchicuchi, I grant you permission to bitch slap "Heather" to the Hearst Tower and back down to 4 Times Square.

Did I ever say I wanted to double or triple my readership? I think 4000+ readers is damn fine. Thank you.

Don't be mad...

I'm trying to catch up on all my HILLS, GOSSIP GIRL and other television programs. I don't even care about the collections and I need to figure out all my recaps. And on top of it all I have been fighting some sort of flu. Life kinda sucks right now and I just want to sleep...

I'll be back...soon...promise.

Caught like a kid in a candy store

All I can say is that Marc was drinking some fabulous Kool-Aid in that drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. The other thing I can say is that seeing everything up close and personal at the Vuitton resee appointment, you gotta wonder who is really going to buy this stuff. The Japanese, perhaps? But one thing's for sure: this is one collection that always begs for a resee. You almost always have to do so because it's nearly impossible to pay attention when there are just as many gloriously embellished handbags going down the runway with the clothes. Your eyes can't be at all places at once!

Looks like the models were sipping the Kool-Aid too with all the blueberry, tangerine and raspberry stained lips. But the winner of the collection? Those Richard Prince-collaborated designs in bags. It's like Murakami meets Sprouse. Again it's MJ being slightly derivative of himself but I must say it works this time around. The jury is still out on the clothes...it was all a little trippy, in a Lewis Carroll-inspired journey to an alternate universe, a la Alice in Wonderland. Maybe it's not Kool-Aid but straight mushrooms or LSD? Either way, we're talking a Candyland game of monumental proportions. I'm just trying to come down from the sugar high.

STAT! I need a HILLS update!!

I might be in the most beautiful city in the world but all I can think about is...

What's going on with Elodie and Heidi?
Is Lauren devastated that Jason seems to have a girlfriend?
Has Whitney developed a personality?
Is Lisa Love still as stoic and cold as the previous season?
Has Audrina figured out her dumbass boyfriend makes her even more cheesier than she already is?
Did Spencer reveal that he has the smallest penis ever and that's why he's overcompensating with his tool-like attitude?

Reveal!! Reveal!!!

WANTED: Versace Hair

Donatella continues her reign over both the overtly sexy and the quiet sexy that she brings to the runway. I loved all the separates, including the cuffed shorts and jersey dresses with a blazer. She makes it look so easy for a woman to get out of bed with that tousled hair and throw on a simple dress and look effortlessly gorgeous and sexy. I wish. And can someone come to my apartment and give me that hair?

Am I crazy but I kinda loved Dolce. It was also slightly revisionist history of Marni and Miuccia but with a little Dries mixed in. Loved the beauty of it all. I'm crazy, right?

The spinning circles at Fendi well, had me spinning. You gotta give Karl credit for revisiting himself. Is it derivative when you're knocking off yourself at a former house? All I can say is that the Baguette is Back...Bigger and Better than Before. Think of it as the UNCUT/UNRATED version. Wait until those hit stores. I think I'll just drag out one of my vintage circa 1997 ones. Oh, how very chic of me.

I smell Paris...

The Worst Hits Collection

Blech. That's all I can say. And that's not from the overcooked meat dish I had at Le Langhe the other night. Miuccia has really done it. She's managed to create a "worst hits collection" of not only Prada, but Miu Miu, Marni, Missoni and Marc Jacobs. It's like she looked at the archive collections of all of the above and extracted all the ugly patterns, color palettes, fabrics and combinations of all three. This was not jolie-laid...it was just plain LAID.

I think I'm just looking forward to seeing how TT puts these looks together next season on herself. Let's just hope she spares us that ridiculous fedora she's been sporting around town. Blech, again.

From blech to brrrrrr and beige...those were the themes at Mr. Pretentious, I mean, Tomas Meier's collection for Bottega. Could it have been any FUCKING COLDER in there? And there was more beige tones than a fucking GAP khaki ad. But I must say that I fell in love with that most delicious short sleeve trench with the elbow leather gloves. YUM-O. That whole collection made me feel like I was going on holiday in the most fabulous European villages even if I was freezing my arse off.

Ok, kids...off to bed to nurse this vino rosso hangover.

I'd Rather...the Fashionista Edition

Before we head into this fun little game, I want to comment on charocuchicuchi's observations regarding Emmy coverage...which are not so ironically the same as mine.

Yes, you have to wonder how many people they asked to do red carpet commentary before settling with Kimora Lee Simmons and Carson Kressley. But then again Joan and Melissa Rivers have also been doing it for years and they are absolutely the worst. Kimora and Carson's taste of what they liked and didn't like were completely off the mark.

And don't even get me fucking started on Bobbie Thomas. Do you not recall my rant from my 1/24/07 post? Go check it out if you've missed it. First of all, Bobbie was wearing Cynthia Rowley. Need I say more? And with that hideous belt that she wore for Kimora's pleasure? Puh-leeze! Bobbie has no taste, no true knowledge of fashion, no idea what she is talking about, no credentials to back up her comments and frankly I still cannot believe that The Today Show continues to employ her as their fashion editor. Can they not figure out she is a laughing stock of the business and no one takes her seriously? Like MJ, AW or Narciso would ever give a shit about her. But then again I did witness first hand shameless kissing ass of Rachel Zoe at the Proenza show a couple seasons ago by Glenda Bailey, Linda Wells and a handful of other high-profile editrixes. I almost barfed. It seemed so pathetic that these women felt compelled to cave in. Of course this is all pre-Rachel Zoe comment in last Sunday's NY Times about how she is more influential than AW. The whole article is here so I must begin my game with...

I'd rather fuck:
Anna Wintour or Rachel Zoe

I'd rather be stuck on a deserted island with:
Stacey London or Bobbie Thomas

And for the Fear Factor version...
I'd rather eat cow balls or work as the market editor for Tracy Taylor for a year

Your choice. Tell me...

America, the Beautiful

So you don't have to be the anorexic, nasty editrix to be the big winner of the night. LOVE that America Ferrara just won the Emmy for Ugly Betty. See, nice girls do finish first. Okay, not in the real fashion world. I don't know how many times we hear about promotions of the most talentless industry professionals. You know who we're talking about. WHO MAKES THESE DECISIONS? I can count on two hands the amount of times my friends and I shake our heads when we hear that someone has sucked at their PR job in one place and is now a Senior Vice President of PR at an even better place. Huh? I want to suck at my job and make $350,000 too.

America, the beautiful, right? Where talented people sometimes go far (America Ferrara winning an Emmy) and talentless people go even farther (too many to list...).

TOP TRENDS AT THE EMMYS RED CARPET:
Wearing red: Ali Larter, Kate Walsh, Heidi Klum, Kathryn Morris, Mary-Louise Parker

Wearing strapless: Debra Messing, Heidi Klum, America Ferrara, Kristen Bell, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Ellen Pompeo

Wearing hair half-up, half down: Heidi Klum, Kate Walsh, Sandra Oh, Kristen Bell

BEST DRESSED BASED ON DOING ALL THREE AND BASICALLY LOOKING GREAT AT THE SAME TIME:
Heidi Klum

THE MENA SUVARI AWARD FOR WORST DRESS OR HAIRSTYLE FOR AGE/BODY TYPE:
Jennifer Love-Hewitt (that girl has a nice bod and should not wear an a-line long dress -- she can do better than that!)

BEST USE OF ACCESSORIES:
Marcia Cross with those big knockers (and I don't mean those earrings)

WORST USE OF AN OVERPAID HAIRSTYLIST:
Ellen Pompeo (hid-e-ous)

BEST DRESSED/HAIR POST-MARRIAGE:
Kate Walsh and Katherine Heigl

BEST SPEECH:
James Spader, best actor in a drama series, for Boston Legal. You gotta love that Seth from Pretty In Pink has now won 3 Emmys. And his quote: "I feel like I just stole a pile of money from the mob" was funny enough to reflect that Boston Legal doesn't quite have the chops to go against The Sopranos and James Gandolfini...but he did it.

It's not really fashion week until you're a drowned rat

It's like clockwork. It's not enough that you're running around with your head chopped off. And if you're one of the unlucky, unfortunate souls without a permanent car service at your disposal, well, fashion week is pretty much fashion hell. But when it rains? It's just one major fucked up day. And if you were my assistant, well, let's just say I wasn't at my best behavior. WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CAR??? I don't know if it was particularly worse or if I'm just getting less patient through the years.

Speaking of patience, mine was completely shot on Monday night. So yes, I skipped the Marc Jacobs show. Why else would I have been at home blogging about The Hills? You know what? We're all going to see everything at the resee anyway!

Is it me or was this New York season especially mundane? I love that Francisco but c'mon! Give me...something to work with!

But I must give a shout out to Oscar. Season-after-season ODR rarely disappoints. And I loved the new venue! It felt very Alberta Ferretti A/W 2007. Minus those batik-y, tribal pieces I think it was a strong collection. I must get my hands on one of those strapless cocktail numbers! Actually it's a bright strapless dress that is a must-have for next spring. Better get that boob job stat.

"What a bitch!"

No, I'm not referring to $#&@!% over at Harper's Bazaar. I'm talking about Brody's response into his cell phone when Spencer aka Donny tells him "Whatever" and hangs up on him. That was laugh-out-loud hilarious!

The Hills may have started off slowly but it's definitely hitting its stride now. You gotta love that Heidi learning some weasel tricks from that dufus of a fiance she has by edging out Elodie for the director of events position at Bolthouse. DIRECTOR OF EVENTS after being a fucking intern for a year? Brent Bolthouse: You're An Asshole! The scenes from next week look especially good with Elodie telling off Heidi. Yahoo!!

This shit is certainly better than the shows. More about that later...(did I like MJ?...stayed tuned...)

Can you say Ba-len-ci-a-ga?

Looks like Gwen Stefani ain't the only one who looked to Nicolas for their Spring/Summer shows. Let's just say that everything is looking especially derivative this season. AW's fashion darlings, Jack and Lazaro's show could be called Balenciaga Light. The L.A.M.B. show as mentioned on an earlier post, was old Betsey Johnson mixed with vintage Sonia Rykiel, Balenciaga A/W 2007 with some Abercrombie thrown in for good commercial measure.

Speaking of being derivative...that Michael Kors is so damn likeable with that big goofy grin when he does his lap around the runway...BUT it looked like Tory Burch Couture. I say they just kill two birds with one stone and just combine their businesses. C'mon, that one yellow tunic looked like TB two seasons ago!

And lastly, did I go to an Armani show on Saturday night? Oh, no, it was Ralph Lauren. I could have sworn I was airlifted to Milan and transported to the Armani Theatre complete with non-vertically challenged headwear and 90 looks. At least it wasn't pitch black with a spotlight. Thankfully I didn't get the headbob going like I usually do at via Borgonuovo (sorry, Giorgio). I know it's Ralph's 40th Anniversary but it didn't read like a Greatest Hits show...more just like an endless parade of look after look with no end in sight. At least the people-watching was good.

I'm baaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!

Happy FUCKING Labor Day! Not!

I'm sorry I took so long to get back to all you kiddies...but I must admit I loved the break. While I might not have been on the French Riviera for the whole time, I reveled in the fact I was on permanent August holiday like the way Europeans DO IT RIGHT, MAN!

There's so much to blog about...from The Hills to Fashion Week to Please Don't Feed The Models move out west (Congrats, Model Citzen!) to chronicling everyone's favorite fashion victim/poseur TT's outfits...gosh darn, there is just too much to write.

And I'm fucking exhausted. So I'll leave you with this: better get your ab-roller out because Marni-light, I mean, BCBG Max Azria, did not show one look without a belt.

Best new accessory? Gwen's son, Kingston's giant headphones/ear protectors. So damn cute it was easy to ignore the Betsey channeling Fall/Winter 2007 Balenciaga collegiate chic meets old Sonia Rykiel runway show.

Ciao for now...

I'm going to take a cue from the Europeans and take holiday for the balance of the summer. New posts to come once I'm back from St. Tropez and the like. Freshly tanned I'll be ready to hit the shows since they now start, like, two days after Labor Day. At this rate, we're gonna be watching spring shows in August soon enough.

Speaking of Mean Girls...

It looks like the Queen Bee herself, Lindsay Lohan, has gotten herself arrested yet again for drunk driving and cocaine possesion. And did you check out the mug shot? She looks like Rachel Zoe, her former stylist. It's like they could be separated at birth.

And it looks like the VOGUE Fashion Fund nominees were named. (Oh, excuse me, the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund. I forget that it's a "joint" venture with the CFDA...whatever.)

Mean Girls: the sequel

Thanks to "comment poster" charocuchicuchi all readers of VFTFR get extra credit bonus information about what it's really like in magazine land. And her comments about our favorite show, THE HILLS, is spot on. Whitney, aka Tori Spelling (in the made for tv special, alongside Christine Taylor as Lauren, Tiffani Amber Thiessen as Audrina and last but not least, Donny Osmond as Spencer), is just asking to get fucked over and over again by fellow fashion assistants, her bosses, her interns and p.r. people up the wazoo! It really is MEAN GIRLS. And it looks like there's already a class disparity issue between Teen Vogue dot-com-ers and YM dot-com-ers according to Memo Pad in WWD. Oh vey!

And speaking of mean girls...Queen Bitch with no style (I don't mean AW), Joanna Coles, has just seen about half her masthead depart the visually disgusting rag she edits. Can we send Glenda back to MARIE CLAIRE to work some of her old magic as she clearly is out of her league with her own book. Let's resuscitate these Hearst titles! What's going on?

That she would "dismiss" the one person with style and substance (Eric N.) clearly shows everyone how naive, clueless and tasteless she truly is. That she would keep that talentless TT on board along with that sad sack of a style director, that giant redhead who has even worst style than TT (and we really didn't think that was possible...). We say, join the club of OUTTA HERE, Eric, and enjoy the rest of the summer off (along with all of Europe). And get yourself a nice, Jewish lawyer so you can really take that holiday.

VIP assistants

It's been reported that Virginia Smith has a new assistant who is apparently already a Patrick McMullen fixture. I mean, who needs that? Aren't our jobs tough enough to deal with already? And to top it off with an assistant who tells me she can get me into the after party for so-and-so or who will be dining at the head table of designer X with her famous "King of Duty-free" father...

Well, I'd rather...

Actually that brings me to the next post. A game of "I'd rather..."
Anything or anyone that comes to mind?

Another one bites the dust

I might be in an 80s sort of mood but I'm not referring to that Queen song. (ed note: for those of you born post 1980, I'm referring to a band called Queen, not about boys from the Chelsea part of town).

So Jane folded. Was it even still around? I certainly had no idea. Did anyone read it? After the eponymous Jane Pratt left, did anyone really still care? Brandon Holley? Hello? What?

The really sad thing is that there really isn't a magazine for that certain age anymore. Sorry to wax poetic about Mademoiselle again, but it really was to me the great magazine that bridged that moment of being a young woman. I think Jane tried to replicate that too but unfortunately failed in its efforts. Now with both gone, what are 15-25 year olds to read? I guess it's all about instant gratification and blogs, gossip sites and the tabloid weeklies. Fitting for this day when Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are considered heroines and the response for young girls when asked what they want to do when they grow up is: "be famous."

I asked, you came (finally!) and at last we conquered

It was clearly time to take the gloves off.

And to sharpen your claws as well.

And for those who thought the past posts and comments were "too mean" or "unnecessary," I just say, "Stop being such a pussy and get over it."

I like to think all of this as "post-traumatic calling in" therapy. Let's all admit: We've been there! Calling specific PR agencies and people, knowing (YES, KNOWING!) that no one will be on the other end to answer the phone call! I especially love the small PR companies that have a recording saying "no one is able to take your phone call at the moment." Hire a goddamn receptionist already! Using your college-day Panasonic answering machine is just not going to cut it! But then of course there is that completely useless receptionist at KCD (don't you hate, HATE how she says, "K-C-D" with that lilting, half-Southern drawl, half-lazy-ass "Why are you bothering me while I'm reading my US Weekly" accent).

Instead of a TOP FIVE LIST of ACTUAL PR PEOPLE OR AGENCIES, this will be a TOP FIVE NARROWING CHARACTERISTICS OF BAD PR POTENTIAL...

5. If your name is Kerry. Sorry, Ed (Filapowski), but you have not only one Kerry but TWO...both boy and girl Kerrys are universally thought to suck big time.

4. The Letter "P." Let's just start with the ultimate P Puppetmaster: Pierre Rougier. How that man got to where he is, I'll never understand. He makes me want to eat Freedom Fries all over again. Other Ps worth noting: Priya, Paul Wilmot Communications, Prada PR.

3. If you've worked at PR Consulting and/or KCD. And there are those who are doubly worse when having worked at both! Hmmmmm......

2. Battle of the Blondes. If you're tall and blonde and lanky in appearance, you have a burgeoning career in fashion PR (even if you can't actually spell or pronounce your client's name correctly or can knowledgably discuss anything about the collection). The jury is still out on some of these folks but there is something to be said about blonde ambition. Past and present members include: Lauren Davis, Karen Duffy, Annelise Peterson, Olivia Eslami, Rebeccah Hirsch, Allison Aston, Rachel diCarlo.

1. You're a socialite or want to be one...

Now, now...don't you just feel a little better? I do.

"You have no follow through? Do P.R.!"

When I heard someone in my office say that the other day, I started to laugh. Can we talk about the thousands...okay, maybe more like hundreds of public relations or fashion assistant gals who have serious A.D.D. that they can't process one task to fruition. Sounds like your typical fashion P.R. gal in NYC, don't you think?

To save myself from pointing fingers (I will reveal once you show me yours...), my question is:

WHO DO YOU RANK AS THE TOP FIVE WORST FASHION P.R. PEOPLE AND/OR AGENCIES IN THE CITY?

I have my bets on a few...let's see if we're a match!

Coming Soon to a Multiplex Near You

With the Peter Braunstein case over (minus appeals after appeals) it's time to start casting the made-for-tv movie version of "Nightmare on Seventh Avenue."

Peter Braunstein: Robert Downey, Jr. (though gotta give the understudy role to Dustin Diamond "in a powerful performance unlike anything you've seen in Saved By the Bell." -- Rex Reed)

Victim: Shannon Doherty (just like the actress herself, the real true life victim was a known BIYATCH with more enemies and haters than friends. And although everyone agrees that no one (and I mean, NO ONE!) deserves what happened, almost everyone would agree that the true life victim was one nasty person who belittled everyone, stole repeatedly from every job she held (a luxury Italian company, a fashion glossy magazine and a luxury Italian gold jewelry company) and was seriously like the worst human being most have encountered in the fashion business.)

Ex-Girlfriend: introducing Dina Lohan in her first television role. The mother of Lindsay would be pitch perfect as it's been reported that Dina and the true ex-girlfriend are actually old friends. Plus Dina needs to start working since daughter Lindsay will be in jail, rehab or dead soon with all her ill-parenting. Poor LL. Or else I'd go with Virginia Smith, also in a debut acting performance. She's going to need another job once her husband Patrick Robinson loses yet another job (I believe there have been THREE IN A ROW: eponymous line, Perry Ellis, Paco Rabanne).


Ok, those are my Hollywood casting agent choices. Who would you cast?

Party crashers

Have you ever been to a press event where you've seen the random assistant down the hallway bellying up to the open bar and ducking when they see you come into the room?

I used to have this notoriously horrible assistant who used to go to every event with her friend at another magazine because she was such a glutton for the goodie bag. PR people would call me the next day about her antics and how she would demand a goodie bag the next day if they ran out. You gotta love the entitled 23 year olds. They really broke the mold back in 1997-2000. Anyone who became an assistant after 2000 just doesn't know what it means to really work in the business. They balk at doing xeroxing and think that doing a Starbucks run (for themselves) is part of the morning routine. I just want to know how they afford that daily $5 venti iced skinny latte with a $1800/month rent and $26,000 a year salary.

But then again there was that former editor turned PR exec who used to turn tricks on the side. Now, that's what I call creative financing.

The King of Queens

Being a female fashionista in the world of Chelsea boys, it's not hard to think of oneself as "the King of Queens." At least we're not overweight, unfunny comics who have Scientologist-worshipping, unattractive and untalented actresses like Leah Remini as our wives...

I'm sorry, am I being the "bitch of Staten Island?"

Do I smell "summer vacation?"

Ahhh...and another one bites the dust.

Veteran Elle style editor Isabel Dupre has left 1633 Broadway. It's been reported her last official day was June 4th though the news didn't hit the airstreams until yesterday in the Post.

Is it me or is everyone fleeing right at the height of summer? I don't know about you but I want to spend my summer weekends and weekdays at the beach too. Maybe they know something I don't know? Gosh darn, these people are damn geniuses!

But then again couldn't I "accidentally" reveal myself and then I could get fired and have the summer off as well?

I'll keep my day job

I guess I'm not the best prognosticator.

Maybe Thakoon didn't win just because he did work at Harper's Bazaar under that "traitor Kate Betts" (in quotes not from me..I'm sure that's what the Devil thought) and God forbid AW support that! Isn't she just the most petty fifty-something ever? She might want to get another face lift as she's pushing 60.

Loeffler Randall's designer gushing at the podium while super preggers with twins was enough to bring a tear down all our faces (but not AW's of course. She put all her money in, along with Sally Singer's, on Justin Giunta. Who else do you think paid for that party two weeks ago?).

Now we can officially call the Swarovski New Designer Award the Swarovski New Asian Designer Award. It's been Derek Lam, Doori Chung and now Phillip Lim for the past three years. Will they ever make it to the Designer of the Year Award status? Has Vera ever won the big one? I don't know. You tell me.

Next week's docket? It's fucking resort MONTH, remember? People! Resort, can I repeat, lasts six weeks longer than Fall or Spring shows. I know, I know, it's a longer selling season and blah, blah, blah...but c'mon! Enough is enough.

See you at Vuitton...

The Chosen Few Devil's Advocates Awards

Didn't you know the CFDA's real acronym?
Let me be a prognosticator...(oh for you illiterate fashion types, that means "to predict"): (Oh stop being insulted!)

Designer of the year? Jack and Lazaro. Oscar has won this before as has Marc...of course both are big AW supporters and wardrobe suppliers. But I'm betting on Proenza to take this baby home.

Accessories Designer of the year? Derek Lam. Fashion darling, prior CFDA new designer winner and newly creative director of Tod's (Hello! Advertiser!!!). I just can't see AW allowing Michael to win; but she might play to Marc's recent drug rehabilitation and since she's not giving him the bigger award of the night she might throw this his way.

Men's designer of the year? Does anyone really pay attention to men's wear?

Swarovski Designer of the year? Thakoon. I thought it might be Rodarte for a while but there's so much Vogue connection to this designer. Plus as an ex-Harper's Bazaar editor, it's a way to really "own" him by taking him further under the Vogue wing.

Swarovski Accessories Designer of the year? Justin Giunta for Subversive. Like anyone else has a chance?

You're either in...or you're out

How was your Memorial Day weekend?
Lots of news flying around last week and this...it's the turn of the new season and change seems to be in the air. Can you smell mass exodus?

There's IN (Tinsley got herself a deal with Dior Beauty! Can you deal?) and then
There's OUT (Michael Vollbracht parts way with Bill Blass), and then
There's OUTTA HERE (Sarah Bailey exits Harper's Bazaar for the UK; Alice Kim leaves In Style for Omaha)

What are your major summer plans or exits?

Deal with the Devil

Hat's off to Lauren Weisberger's roommate who was uncredited with coming up with the genius title of The Devil Wears Prada. It's easy now to just refer to AW as "the Devil."

While an earlier post talked about sleeping your way to the top, there are those who just sleep their way to...ninth on the masthead. (Ok, so not exactly sure where this name is on the masthead as I don't have a copy of Vogue in front of me.)

When Patrick Robinson was named creative director/chief designer for the GAP, few raised eyebrows when it's so clear that his sleeping habits are completely Vogue-related. With Virginia Smith, fashion market and accessories director of Vogue, as your wife (and "ninth" on the masthead) there's always the guarantee that Patrick will land on his feet. With failed collections at Perry Ellis, Paco Rabanne and his own eponymous line, let's see how his Target collection sells and whether he can turnaround a messy GAP situation.

With the GAP doing those CFDA designer collaborations with Rodarte, Thakoon and Doori, the relationship with Vogue (aka AW...aka "the Devil") seems to clearly send one message to other magazines. Why carry advertising for the GAP when you are just supporting Vogue's efforts of marketing and advertising? Can we count the number of ad pages the GAP bought at Vogue and Conde Nast in general compared to other publishing houses? Sounds like someone really is making a deal with the devil.

Bitten once, bitten twice

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
Getting Bitten again by SJP the second time around isn't as fun. This time the whole world was invited, unlike the very exclusive luncheon held back in March. SJP's hair was in such a tight bun it seemed a tad much with her gargantuan necklace and Steve and Barry's cropped blazer and cropped jeans. And did I miss the goodie bag? Shame on me...

"If I could, I'd take my blackberry into the shower"

Spoken like a true fashion addict. Or is it loser? Or is it someone completely with no life except their sad, sad, fashionista life?

But I forgot! It's actually from a true life editrix. Can we play guess who?

Marrakesh Express

When Crosby Stills and Nash's song "Marrakesh Express" came on, it was clearly a literal foreshadowing of what was to come from John Galliano's resort/cruise collection for Dior. And from the time the show began not so promptly at 7:30pm (the invitation time)...it was closer to 8:30pm, it was classic JG for Dior. From the Palm Bitch attire both on and off the runway (front row attendance from good ol' Tinsley and HORROR! second row seating for Lauren "I'm not a coke whore" Davis) we were treated to a true show both on the curving runway and in the audience.

Can I please make one last attempt to have all public relations offices of major fashion houses NOT INVITE SOCIALITES? C'mon, like, WHO THE FUCK IS GENEVIEVE JONES and WHY DO WE CARE WHAT SHE DOES? And if I see Lisa Airan at another runway show I swear I'm going to call the American Medical Association to have her license revoked. The obsession with "New York society" has become so overwhelmingly pathetic it makes one feel somewhat embarrassed to be living here. Do I see a show of hands?

But going back to Galliano's collection...well. it wasn't hard to miss that the shoes were a complete disaster! Poor models twisting their ankles and wobbling with so much difficulty that it took Hal Rubenstein and other male front row attendees to help the girls down the runway. A bit misogynistic?

The clothes, of course, were fantasy land Moroccan caftans and gowns. The hair was Sixties beehive. The jewelry dripped in over-the-top vintage regalia. The verdict? It's so hard to judge resort collections especially when it's so gorgeous outside and you're stuck 50 stories in the sky at 7 World Trade Center at 8:30pm on a Monday night.

It's Resort Fortnight...ok, more like Month

Just as we're in the deep trenches of cashmere coats and tweed trousers of fall 2007, it's time for the designers to throw resort collections at us. But I've barely even finished shooting September!

On the docket: Dior's most probable fantabulous, fantasgormic show at 7 World Trade Center on Monday. If John's fall 2007 was any indication of what's to come, then his ten-year anniversary resort/cruise collection should be a stand-out. I can't wait. I just wish it wasn't at 7:30pm. Maybe I should go home and do a dress change (a la the Vogue-ettes) before the show. But then again, I'm in the second row, so really who cares what the hell I'm wearing, right?

Stalkerazzi in SoHo

With the Met's big fashion gala this past Monday night, the quotient on celebrity photo-stalkers trumped even the recent Tribeca Film Festival. Various paparazzi camped outside both the Mercer Hotel (Karl Lagerfeld's hotel choice) and 60 Thompson (La Lohan's crib while she's in town -- no Long Island for her with teenage-acting mother Dina) watching every move of celebrities both famous and infamous.

Of course it's irrelevant now that socialites are the new celebrities and editors are the new socialites. It leaves us to try and figure out what to do with actual celebrities? Now that New York has so clearly indicated this phenomenon, we're left to wonder who will actually care which Hollywood actresses make it out for the CFDA Awards in June.

Sleeping your way to the top

If you're not going to actually fuck AW, then having your daddy do it can certainly do the trick. While most fashionistas can't count daddy dearest as AW's pillow buddy, they too can resort to other means of getting ahead while they're still young.

And in fashion, in a world of female dominance, that points to one thing and one thing only: becoming (conveniently) a lesbian or bisexual.

Case in point: Do we remember when a certain blonde Vogue-ette became tongue-tied with Shear Genius star judge, Sally Hershberger? It (conveniently) led to dinners with Hollywood A-listers, yachting trips with the creme de la creme of the fashion and magazine worlds and future jobs with the industry elite. For a couple years of carpet...oh forget it, even I don't want to go there.

I guess it happens in any industry, really. I mean, look at Anne Heche. Who the heck was she before she started becoming a lesbian with Ellen? It certainly spiced up her resume. Of course after unbecoming a lesbian she became crazy and then got knocked up and married (I believe to a gay man). But then she dumped him and moved on to her costar in her new television show Men In Trees. Is that even still on? Does anyone really care about her anymore?

Perhaps she needs a new schtick. Dating much younger boys seems to do the trick. Demi, anyone?

The slow reveal

It seems like everyone and their gay brother is trying to figure out who I am. So I've decided I'm going to take a page out of ESQUIRE. Once a month I am going to reveal one small body part; a pinky toe here, an elbow there, a collarbone next, the nape of the neck after that. And at the end of the year it will be revealed that I, too, am Scarlett Johansson. It's simply brilliant, don't you think?

I'm going to Morandi for the food

The next time you hear someone saying they're heading to Morandi for the food, think again. Unless you really enjoy eating alongside the PR flack from KCD with a few washed up television actors (and that was a good night!) and some socialites slumming below 14th Street (what do they care since socialiterank.com is defunct) then Morandi is the place for you! With each passing season a new crop of poseur restaurants open up with worse food, horrific acoustics and nauseating clientele. That's all right, ma'am, I'll grab my dinner off the falafel truck parked outside my office instead.

A few of my favorite things

Gosh darn, so many of you are asking me what do I wear, who do I like and if Anna Wintour asked me who my favorite designers were, who would they be? As I delve into my walk in closet and peruse my sweaters and tees on my custom built-in shelves on the left and hanging jackets, dresses, pants and skirts on the right I am assembling a list in my mind.

What can I say? I love my...

Oh damn. I forgot. Too many personal characteristics and it'll be too easy. If I said, let's say a Burberry trenchcoat or a Prada overcoat, wouldn't fashionistas everywhere be peeking at everyone's labels?

Spring's essentials:
A. A lived-in blue denim jacket (e.g. Levi's, Diesel, True Religion)
B. A patterned cotton empire waist tank/tunic (e.g. Cacharel, Marni, Dries, Chloe)
C. White, straight leg (yes, away with the skinny!) jeans (e.g. Goldsign, Earnest Sewn, Joes)
D. Floaty short sleeve dress (nothing in particular. I mean, really, they're just about everywhere!)
E. Canvas slip on sneakers (Converse, Adidas, Y-3)

What do I usually wear? Well, I always look good, natch! Let's just say I dress age appropriately and try not to fall into the trap of wearing head to toe looks. What will I be wearing in the fall? Wolford black tights, pencil skirt (Narciso), booties with either a thin cashmere sweater, silk blouse (Lanvin) or camisole with fitted jacket and skinny belt or a chunky knit.

My favorite designers, Anna? Well, I certainly wouldn't sit there and spit out who are your obvious favorites, like Proenza Schouler, Oscar, Olivier for Nina Ricci or Marc Jacobs. But then again I'm not a tired fifty-something editrix who doesn't champion change. So with that, I say my favorite designers of the moment for what they've been showing on the runways and in the windows at stores for the past couple seasons...

Phillip Lim for 3.1 Phillip Lim
Raf Simons for Jil Sander
Donatella Versace for Versace
Stefano Pilati for YSL
Alber Elbaz for Lanvin

Oh I can hear the moans! The horror! Donatella??? Where's Miuccia? What about Francisco? How can I forget Jack and Lazaro?

P.S. To answer your questions...

1. Not only does Ann Taylor show one show, it manages to squeeze in TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE with both Ann Taylor Collection AND (lucky us) Ann Taylor LOFT. Stayed tuned for the post on the bi-annual Banana Republic fashion show taking place next week...

2. VOGUE will place models on its cover when it's a "slow" month...so don't get used to seeing your favorite human clothes hangers. Next month, and the next, and the next after that...and the next (OK! FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR PLUS MORE!!!), it'll be back to your favorite bland celebrity who's trying to pitch a movie. Hurray.

3. Sally Singer's Today show VOGUE moment with Coco and Chanel on the runway at the same time? Only VOGUE would have $10K/runway models on the Today show. Kudos to them. But really, Sally doesn't know her way through a Zara store or an Abercrombie event so I find it hilarious she's pitching $88 threads to Ann Curry. This is someone who spends more money on a pair of sweatpants than the average family spends on groceries per month. And are you really going to take advice from someone who does this at a major fashion event (see March 19)? edit note: My link didn't work, so just go to patrickmcmullen.com and enter "Sally Singer" and look at March 19th photos. Oh, Sally, we admire your intellectual diatribes on fashion but we must...lay down, Sally for that ill-conceived homage to the Mad Hatter...

Too many magic mushrooms?

Dear Socialite Rank:

Who are you? And who am I? All I know is that you socialiterank.com and I like to poke fun at all the nonsense that is fashion, nasty editors, superfluous socialites and the like. Your comment section beats anything I've read E-V-E-R! This is way too much fun. A particular favorite from your site (read only the bold if you're in a hurry):

VOGUE= MISERY - March 22, 2007

poor bea she will so screwed up with such a mean evil rotten woman like anna wintour. can u imagine if that witch was ur mother? i mean, she is a bad insecure lonely sad human. look how all those pathetic vogue girls have to starve themselves, they are all bulemic, anorexic with cheating husbands and obsessed with their own empty lives and for what? to become more bitter.. i would never want to be associated with those people and bea looks like a deer caught in the headlights . its sad for her, she is so sweet but having a mother like the ugly elitist anna wintour must be killing her. most of the vogue girls are former losers who think being associated with vogue will give them validation when in fact their negativity will only make you more bitter… take a good hard look at alexandra kotur, stephanie winston, lauren davis, jillian demling, holly whatever her name is who is very chunky for a vogue girl. its quite sad , their lives are miserable - drug addicts , old maids, cheating husbands, and for what- to get closer to hamish or anna? how dreadful!!!!


I don't think I could have said it any better.

Don't you wish you could do a Back to the Future moment and be a fly on a high school gym wall and watch the awkwardness that was sooooo many of these nasty fashionistas?

Shut up, Stacy London!

I'm a glutton for pain. What else would be the reason that I still continually watch the TODAY show as I get ready in the morning and cringe at what seems like daily fashion/style segments. You know you're really important (or that your magazine is the creme de la creme) when your segment airs in the first two hour time block. When Giada Delaurentis or Maria Menounos is doing your segment in the third hour, you know you're totally C-list. I, of course, wouldn't know this first hand as I'm already on my first market appointment by 9am. Yeah, right. Just like the rest of fashionistas at every magazine. Don't believe when your underlings tell you "they had appointments in the morning." I remember an ex-editor who would be out so late the night before that she never even made it to the office before 1pm practically every day. I mean, who hasn't gone to a morning spin class, therapy session or trip to the colorist? Or just plain stayed in bed? Can I see a show of hands? One, two, three, four, five, six...

Recently I watched a segment with Stacy London and she was literally screaming so loudly I had to turn the volume down. It was like when a commercial comes on and is ten times louder than the program. I know Stacy's new program on TLC is called, SHUT UP! IT'S STACY LONDON, but really folks, she needs to shut up. Or at least pipe down.

It's hard to blog...

On a serious note, it's safe to say that everyone is feeling horrible about what happened at the campus of Virginia Tech. Such a senseless waste of young, vibrant lives. My thoughts go out to all the family, friends and co-workers of the victims, injured, students and faculty.

View from the front row

When it's an Ann Taylor fashion show, everyone is a front-row editrix. Talk about being incredibly democratic. I didn't sleep my way to the top to sit alongside a junior market editor from Mademoiselle. I'm just kidding, folks! Mademoiselle doesn't even exist anymore. Puh-leeze, let's not get all bent out of shape again. But I am still bitter that Si and James (Truman) folded that venerable mag. It was such a fun, youthful, fashionable magazine for real, true young adults and teens. Now of course it's a wasteland of crappy remaining teen mags and one that says that it's a teen book but shoots product that most fashion editors can't afford, not to mention any of the market assistants or teen age readers it targets. Guess what that magazine is? Hmmmm.....

Shear Genius?

From Bravo, our favorite reality television network that brought us QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY, PROJECT RUNWAY, TOP CHEF, TOP DESIGN...there is now a competition of hair cutting. No magazine was tagged with QUEER EYE, of course Elle has PROJECT RUNWAY, TOP CHEF's book of choice is Food & Wine and Elle Decor, naturally has TOP DESIGN.

The tally for Bravo-reality tv?

Hachette 2
Hearst 0
Conde Nast 0
American Express 1
Time 0
Wenner 0

Well, of course Conde Nast couldn't be left out of the game! SHEAR GENIUS is CN's foray into the Bravo network's reality television programming with Allure being the mag of choice. All I can say from watching the first episode? Sally Hershberger and Steven Cojocaru are quite possibly separated at birth or are actually the same person. I mean, have you ever seen them in the same room at the same time? The one thing that is shear genius is taking an ex-Charlie's Angel known for amazing hair and bring her out of her JC Penney-hawking retirement.

Anyway, I'm ready for Hearst to get in the game and do their own Bravo program, entitled THE WRITE STUFF, pegged to Esquire. It will obviously be a literary write-off with one week as fiction, the next biography, then self help ending with hyperboled memoir (with guest judge James Frey).

Time's program will use This Old House and will be called TOP CHOP and competitors will have to use their carpentry skills to build furniture and make additions to houses based on certain themes each week. Art deco could be followed by Bauhaus (with a descendent of Charles Rennie Mackintosh as guest judge), Edwardian and Mission Style.

Wenner will use US Weekly with their KEEPING TABS program of paparazzi wanna-bees who must face off in various challenging star-stalking photo opps, ranging from a nightclub opening to a hush-hush wedding ceremony. Tara Reid will guest judge.

That should even out the magazine on television playing field, don't you think?

***And calling all Bravo executive producers: you can contact me via the comment section. You're welcome.***

You know you're a celebrity...

Ok, so I'm a little behind on my weekly tabloids. I got to catch up in the doctor's office the other day (sometimes I like to get there early just to read magazines I don't get to). So when I read in People, US Weekly, Entertainment Weekly among others (did Newsweek cover it too?) that Nina Garcia of Project Runway (really of ELLE) has had a baby with her husband, I realized the Colombian thirtysomething (or is it fortysomething) hit it big time. Of course the thirtysomething/fortysomething is in reference to different magazines attributing her age as both 37 and 41. Can someone do a passport check A.S.A.P.? Congrats, Nina! By the way, is Joe Zee having you come back post-pregnancy? Or will you be employed via Blackberry ads, Project Runway and whatever else your agent has lined up for you? It seems like these days every editor, stylist or writer has an agent. It's the new publicist.

And, note to self...

Working at Bolthouse clearly ages people...those blond chicks (though Elodie did go red by mid-episode) that work with Heidi...wow, they looked tired! I have to remember not to work in nightclub promotion. Oh, but I do love both girls for trying to give caring, older advice...unfortunately to no avail as dumb as a board Heidi still moved in with self-proclaimed "player" boyfriend, Spencer. After watching these aired episodes, do you think she's dumped him by now?

"And designers you love?"

Amy Astley, are you kidding me? Teen Vogue ain't big Vogue and adopting Anna's notorious, "Who are your favorite designers?" interview question is, I don't know a tad, okay, completely over the top and unbelievably pretentious. I shudder at the thought of poor Whitney answering the question with "Rebecca Taylor, Abercrombie and Zara." I mean, isn't that what most twenty year olds like and know? She's already so trained to be a Vogue-ette by uttering "Balenciaga, YSL" to the question of designers that she loves. Again, what would happen if she said Tracy Reese? A BFF of Andre's, she's a respectable designer but it certainly wouldn't have met with a certain seal of approval from either AA or Wintour herself (though ALT may have been more forgiving).

And then there was my favorite of what photographers she likes so that AA can gauge her "visual taste" level.

On Mario Testino, one of Whitney's favorite shutterbugs:
"He's always flattering..." says AA in a smug like tone.
"Yes, always," repeats Whitney, in a "I don't know what you are talking about but I'll agree with you Amy." vapid look.
"A girl always looks great," AA states again trying to appear chummy and not so stiff. (failing miserably at both!)

When I was 20 I had no idea who these photographers were. Being a Teen Vogue intern is sooooo much easier and there are better perks. Whitney, fuck getting paid and having to work with poseurs like Lawren. Keep your internship and maybe when Emily trips on her Lanvin platforms and breaks her Wasp-y nose you can move in for the kill and traipse around Paris with Jane Keltner, your doppelganger. AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Cheers to Elijah

Pardon me but I'm a little drunk. Passover began at sundown and since Elijah didn't show up I drank his and my wine. Oops!

For all you shiksas out there, tomorrow should prove to be a slow as molasses day. Go to H&H (no line), buy a dozen bagels and an assortment of schmears and carbo-load with the remaining folks left in your fashionable offices. Then repeat at lunchtime and again at dinner. There are no events to speak of so you can rush to the gym (which will also be empty) and hop onto the treadmill.

Season finale recap of THE HILLS to come later...once I digest the Manischewitz and matzoh.

How many times can you say "fabulous"

It's a hard knock life, I know, when I keep harping on the Today Show. I keep telling myself to switch over to Diane or even to the Early Show (who's on there anyway?) to avoid the ever-present revolving door of fashion experts for their STYLE TODAY segments. But I can't help it. It's a habit of nature gone bad. I keep my morning news on NBC despite the painful moments I experience when watching past and present editors make themselves (and many times their models) look and sound like morons. Constance White from ebay? Jill Swid from old defunct TALK magazine? AND I REPEAT, my personal favorite, Bobbie Thomas from In Touch? (I was in error before saying she was from Life & Style...but really, aren't they the same, interchangeable magazines?).

Today on TODAY, while I didn't have my counter actually counting but I do believe Jill must have used the word "fabulous" at least six times (if not more) in describing less than ten items. And then there was the shameless mention/plugging of high-end items (that had no business being on the show) like a Panerai watch. Perhaps a way to obtain a free gift for the hubby? "Mention our name on TV and we'll see what we can do."

Since she doesn't actually work for a regular magazine there's no ethical distinction between "give me a mention, and I'll give you the item for free." This is directional swag. And it happens all the time.

It's quite fabulous, actually.

I don't know what's worse...

It's been resee after resee and I'm trying to figure out what I hate more:

A. Going to 11 West 42nd Street and having to wait in line to get my sticker ID at the little counter near the newsstand before I'm allowed to get on the elevator (Valentino, Michael Kors)
B. Having my taxi not know that the streets around Tenth/Eleventh Avenues and the 20s are fucked up and that 601 West 26th Street can only be accessed by heading south on 11th avenue and going up the West Side Hwy and then making a right onto 26th Street (Ports, Derek Lam, Hugo Boss, Nina Ricci)
C. Waiting for my sticker ID and the only elevator that goes to the Magic Room in the LVMH tower while ladies who lunch are coming in and out of Bliss (Louis Vuitton, Celine)
D. Visiting the 550 Seventh Avenue building three times in a week because it's impossible for Ralph, Donna and Oscar to do their resees the same day
E. Going to the Aeffe "townhouse" and be overwhelmed by the racks upon racks on five floors

I don't know, fashionistas, which one is your idea of hell?

My answer is get out of my car

Well, you know what Donny Osmond, I mean, Spencer? My answer is you're the biggest tool on television. And my question to you is, "How'd you land another show called THE GREAT AMERICAN DREAM VOTE?" Oh, that's right, that's the real Donny Osmond. My bad.

Tonight's episode of THE HILLS didn't quite live up to the over-anticipation I had for it since last week's sneak peek. But for you all to see how truly stuck up VOGUE editors can be, with Lawren Howell's follow up appearance, it just shows what type of poseurs VOGUE requires in its hires. Could she take off that stupid pashmina? I mean, did you notice that Emily the intern had the same stupid pashmina wrapped loosely around her neck (JUST LIKE LAWREN!). Whitney! You're too nice to go work at VOGUE! Run away! Run away!! Don't sell your soul to the devil quite yet...at least wait a few years.

Check out Fashion Addict Diary and the 3/23 post which includes a priceless video spoof of THE HILLS.

Kiss me Kate

Ok. So I'm pretty much O-V-E-R designer collaborations. If there is one more invitation that comes across my desk to meet and greet and preview some high fashion for less by some celebrity as designer or stylist as designer I'm going to hurl my Venti Starbucks skim latte....

But then there's Kate Moss. How can you not love the ex-fallen angel of the modeling world? The true original when it comes to personal style (not like that phony Sienna Miller), Kate's fashion sense combined with Topshop's crazy good affordable AND fashionable clothing...well, I'm going to make this one, final exception.

AND that Barneys is exclusively selling the collection makes it even more fun. Perhaps this is the new wave of designer collaborations? Instead of high-priced designers creating lower-priced ones in mass stores, it'll be celebrity-designed low-priced collections in upscale stores. I can see it now. Renee Zellweger will create a line of short cocktail dresses exclusive to Saks Fifth Avenue; L'Wren Scott will retool her pricey line and sell prom dresses for Nordstroms. No one likes being left out of the game. With Barneys stepping up to the plate it'll be no time before this scenario plays out. But until that happens, I'll be there on May 8th with my Amex in hand to snatch up the pinstripe waistcoast and jacket pictured in April's British Vogue among other items.

Anything you can do, I can do better

It's hard not to miss the GAP ads plastered all over the city as well as the TV spot with Claire Danes and Patrick Wilson flirting and dancing with each other. Of course all of this attention is the GAP's focus on their new "boyfriend" trouser khakis. With the catchy Irving Berlin tune (from "Annie Get Your Gun") and sing-song dance steps I have to admit I'm even taken (despite thinking that Claire is still a home-wrecking biyatch for being with Billy Crudup when girlfriend Mary Louise Parker was 8 months pregnant with his child!!). Kudos to the GAP for also bringing sexy back for the boyfriend trouser via a Helmut Newton favorite: Nadja Auermann...she is still as beautiful as ever, no? The GAP needs something to get them out of their rut. Perhaps this is a sign of an upward swing? All I know is that I haven't stepped into a GAP in over two years (I mean including babyGAP) and I've been known to occasionally shop below my means...(read with sarcasm, please!) so any push to have me spend my extra bucks at GAP instead of Target, H&M or Zara is (as Martha would say) "a good thing."

Speaking of ads plastered all over the city....how about the buses and print ads with Rachel Zoe and Nina Garcia for Blackberry? Has it really come to that? I'm pretty surprised that Research In Motion (did YOU know that's the name of the company that makes Blackberry? I sure didn't. Don't you love Google?) was advised by their ad agency to use relative unknowns, unless that is they only did it in NYC and LA. But then again, even in NYC, unless you're in fashion or an obsessed US WEEKLY or PROJECT RUNWAY fanatic, do you really know who Rachel Zoe or Nina Garcia are? Don't you think they could do better than that?

Speaking of better, UGLY BETTY keeps getting campier with frighteningly hilarious one-liners and acting. The duo of Amanda and Mark keeps me coming back for more. Their banter last week was spot-on, but my particular favorite moment was when Mark kissed Betty and Amanda gagged like a cat coughing up a fur ball. Priceless. I couldn't do it any better.

Spoiled rotten scoundrels

In my next life I want to be a Teen Vogue intern. Oh shit, have I already mentioned that? I'm just kidding! Enough about that...until at least next week!

What can I say? I've spoiled all you kids rotten with daily blogging of shows, events and the like. When it's a slow week for news, IT'S A FREAKIN' SLOW WEEK! But it really shouldn't be....I mean, it's L.A. fashion week! I should be blogging hourly about all the fantastic shows and cool celebrities and generous goody bags and....WHO AM I KIDDING? Who actually GOES to L.A. fashion week? It's a glorious paid vacation for east coast market editors to go see their friends in L.A., people watch at the Ivy, escape the horrendous NY winter weather (even though it's officially the first day of spring today) and shop at Fred Segal and Maxfield. Do you really think that they're there to see the exciting fashions of Sue Wong and Rami Kashou? A-who? We love Alvin Valley but it's not enough to make the 5+ hour flight...in coach. And does Tara Subkoff really think that L.A. will comprehend the more "cerebral" Imitation of Christ? I mean, we're talking about Angelenos who believe wearing Kabbalah bracelets with their Juicy Couture sweats is deep. Then again there's Posh Spice who has become a fixture on the fashion circuit...and now that she's in L.A....maybe she'll have her new, old BFF "Kate" Holmes accompany her to shows. Oh I see a reality show coming on....OH, THAT'S RIGHT, she's already got one in the works! Silly me!

Of course, the reality check is that we're all back in NY digging out from our notes from fall shows and busily prepping for the "back to school" issues known as August, September and October. I don't know about you but if I have to make it to another resee to the Magic Room at LVMH Tower (oh but HOW can I resist a pastel colored macaroon from Payard?).....

Walking around today it may have been the coldest day (in a while) on this first day of spring but warmer weather is on the horizon. And at least warmer fashions. Tonight the newest "Go International" designers for Target: Libertine showed cute! cute! cute! summer fashions including affordable, mass-produced adaptations of their screen prints, neo-preppy looks and tongue-in-chic designs and prints including embroidered whales with skull and crossbones. And not to disappoint, the Laforce and Stevens PR team left everyone with a parting gift of a navy duffle bag with white whales, skulls and crossbones. Perfect for that trip to Martha's Vineyard....or as a gift for your favorite intern.

Not quite ready for prime time

What can I say? You like me, you really, really like me! Awww, shucks. A shout out to all my special peeps: please don't feed the models, thecoherent, original it-boy (even if I can't understand your non-English written blog) among others who have taken the time to pick up another vice...this blog, and continually cheer it on. I might have some haters but who doesn't, right? And if people are really going to have their feathers ruffled (nymag.com), first of all, they have perfect timing because FALL is ALL about FEATHERS, and secondly it just shows how severly insecure fashionistas are (I mean, really who cares what I think?) And lastly, my personal opinions of people's fashion sense are entirely subjective...except for.....OH YOU KNOW WHO THEY ARE!

A thank you to designer Rafe and a reader named Bronwyn for all your tips for linking. It's been trial and error but I think I'm finally getting the hang of it! Do you think I'm linking enough on my first trip out of the gates? (ed note: I still cannot make a links list...I've tried everything and am hopelessly unsuccessful...but I am a pro at italics and bolding now!!)

Speaking of not being quite ready for prime time...looks like our cute Teen Vogue intern Whitney suffers a stumble on GMA while that 7 foot tall gay man does commentary. With stick-up-her-ass, crazy scary NY intern Emily making another appearance AND Donny Osmond, I mean Spencer, being an uber-tool as usual, the scenes for next week's THE HILLS look absolutely fabulous!

And last but not least, Olivier Theyskens was lavishly feted at the Met (Museum, not the Opera!) this evening by new boss Mario Grauso. Was I there? I don't know...was I?

Instead of answering that, I have one final comment...do you think Olivier is happy that his new "it" girl, Reese, looks like Melanie Griffith on the April cover of Harper's Bazaar?

Didn't I just say...

The whole "INN" phenomenon is even hitting reality TV. Starting next Tuesday is "Tori & Dean: INN Love" a show starring Tori Spelling and her tool of a husband, Dean whatever. Who knew that Graydon and Tori had so much in common?

It's time to resee everything I already saw

We just got back from Europe, barely getting over our jet lag and we're invited back to see the collections we saw on both the runways AND at resees. There comes a point when you just have to say no. Do I look like I have hours on end to review collections again and again while trying not to get pneumonia in weather that is one day balmy, and the next snowy?

I don't know if it's the resee resee that's bugging me more or the fact that our little glimpse of spring is gone. GONE! Like that! I really am not going to drag out that puffy jacket of mine again. In protest I think I'm going to wear bare legs like Lauren and Audrina from THE HILLS during NY fashion week when it was 20 degrees. NOT! Looking back I have to say they really looked like idiots without any hosiery on when it was colder than a nuclear Wintour. Who was dressing them? It must have been Emily, the NY intern. She didn't go to New York fashion week. No, no, no! She went to Paris! OF COURSE, DUH! Teen Vogue sends ALL their interns to Paris, dummy! I wonder how all the assistants feel at Teen Vogue while they're slaving away doing call-ins and returns, packing trunks and filling out carnets and their "telegenic" interns are hob-nobbing at the Costes and L'Avenue with their bosses! Just like I said, in my next job I want to be a Teen Vogue intern.

The Inn Crowd

Is it me or is this whole Waverly Inn, Beatrice Inn and now, the InnLW12 starting to get old? How many more "cozy" INNs are going to be opening INN the coming months? Of course if you're INNto the whole see and be seen thing (and you get your kicks hanging out with the same people you see all day long at the office and on appointments) then these places are for you!

But since everyone can't be a BFF of Graydon's, Chloe's or Lyman's, the rest of the fashionista pack will have to settle for the standards. Lucky for you, at any time you will be able to find en masse fashionistas sipping water "sans gas" and glasses of Bordeaux, Sancerre or Veuve Cliquot...

THE TOP FIVE RESTAURANTS FAVORED BY THE FASHION GLITTERATI AND/OR VICTIMS
(Milan/Paris/New York)
5. Contravapore/La Stresa/Spotted Pig
4. Torre di Pisa/Dave/La Esquina
3. Da Ilia/Chez Georges/Mr.Chow
2. Bice/Thiou/Pastis
1. Le Langhe/Costes/Da Silvano

And since we're in the home city, to round out the top ten in New York:

6. Cipriani's
7. Fred's
8. Bottino
9. Balthazar
10. Koi (especially during fashion week)

"Bitten" by Sarah Jessica Parker with a side of spicy beef salad and sticky rice

"Fashion is not a luxury. It's a right." That's what Sarah Jessica Parker has to say about her new Bitten clothing and accessories line to bow June 7th exclusively at that Manhattan Mall staple: Steve and Barry's. Huh? Ben and Jerry's? What did you say?

That was the general consensus when SJP walked around introducing herself and editors kept asking her (and the Steve and Barry folks), "Ummm, you mean that weird mall near Penn Station?"

Apparently S&B is a booming business (who knew?) selling comfort clothes for men, women and children. And apparently SJP was "bitten" by the S&B stores and what they could offer her in term$ of de$igning a debut fa$hion collection. One thing's for certain? SJP is adopting her new "employer"'s tagline of "tons of stuff for around ten bucks" with her own line topping at a cool $20. Yes, Ms. Manolo/Louboutin/Oscar/McQueen/Prada wearing SJP is designing clothes for the H&M, Target, Uniqlo-set...but at EVEN BETTER PRICES!!! The average price is under $10. Nothing is over $20! With her fall collection to bow on August 7th it'll be interesting to see what the price surge will or may be?

With two "intimate" seated lunches, one at 11am, the other at 1:30pm, an exclusive group of editors (yes, including me...though it REALLY wasn't THAT exclusive...except apparently no weeklies or dailies were invited) browsed through the 15 or so mannequined looks (consisting of summer dresses, printed cotton tops, a fitted blazer, cropped sweatpants, skinny jeans and plain-front shorts), listened to SJP talk about the line and then feast on Indochine's finest, Asian-fusion grub. Well, that is, at least SOME editors. I don't know how many of us could really sit and eat. And it wasn't like the Banana Republic dinners so often held at Indochine where we HAD to stay, sit and eat (they are after all advertisers). Steve and Barry's? Not one cent in any of our magazines! But let's see how long that lasts...

When we all left, we were given (that's right, folks!) a goody bag with t-shirts, sunglasses, jewelry and the press release, natch! Too bad it didn't include the adorable Bitten striped tee SJP was wearing with her Bitten black cotton strapless dress.

My question is: does Pat Field get any royalties on SJP's "personal" sense of style?

On a completely different note...

Can any of my beloved fans please tell me how to create a links list? Everyone keeps telling me to swap links but I'm completely an idiot. Have you noticed I don't post photos or link to anything? Really I'm not just a narcissist. Ok, maybe I am...BUT I REALLY WILL trade links or whatever it's called. But then again, people (!), you should just be happy I know how to blog in the first place!

Yup! I tried my first bold face type...did it work? Yahoo! It worked! It worked! Now, to create a list of blogs I find noteworthy with links....

Let's just face it: Anna is boring!

If I wanted to talk about Anna, I could probably go on for.....two minutes. Quite honestly, I find her to be a bore. Along with the rest of the plain, bland, wonderbread VOGUE-ettes. Maybe a shake up IS needed there. Has anyone ever taken a look at the staff? It's easy: they're all sitting front row even if they're a sittings assistant. But talk about B-O-R-I-N-G!

Anna is the editor-in-chief of THE women's fashion rag but have you looked at what she wears? Maybe I'm too hard on Glenda. At least she TRIES (even if she fails miserably). Grace? Tonne? Elissa? Phyllis? Virginia? Yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn. At least Sally adds SOMETHING called personal style (even if half the time it's a mish mash of brutal trend over trend). And then there's "Anna's little star" Meredith. She is a mini-Virginia in training complete with the same bland sense of style. Anna likes 'em blonde, horsey, dim as a bulb and with clone-like fashion sense similar to her own. Maybe Jane Keltner should apply for a job there stat.

Has anyone noticed that Anna has the worst shoe taste? I mean, I'm all over a good pair of Manolos but pointy toed suede boots? Pointy toe, granny style pumps? It's not even classic taste, it's just classically bad in taste. Honestly I have to stop. It really makes me scratch my head to think that she is the symbol of women's high fashion. She never changes. How can she edit a magazine that documents growth and change and freshness in fashion when she doesn't budge from her bob, pointy Manolos and sweater sets and a-line skirts? I'm not asking her to pull a Glenda but she could, really, just alter her wardrobe a tad from season to season, don't you think?

But on to more interesting things...

Has anyone noticed that Spencer on THE HILLS looks like a blonde Donny Osmond? He has chipmunk cheeks, blinding white teeth and a bushy crewcut.

Speaking of THE HILLS, that NY intern Emily would be PERFECT to be Anna's new second assistant (until, that is, she's Hefty bagged the first assistant with bricks, thrown her into the East River and subsequently is then promoted to first assistant). She has an uncanny resemblance to an ex-first assistant of Anna's. And I'm not talking about Lauren Weisberger. Only VOGUE would be so hip (read: unhip) to hire a girl who is such an overachieving (read: scary!) silver spoon-fed, CT-lockjaw, clearly psychopathic, A-type girl. If that girl came in to interview with me I'd see "DANGER! DANGER!!" and practically toss her onto her Theory pencil skirted and Tory dickie and cashmere sweatered (oh, I'm sorry that's a little Glamour) ass. Oops.

Speaking of dim wit blondes, LO (of LAGUNA BEACH first season fame) is back on THE HILLS making a cameo appearance to celebrate new year's with Lauren, stupid and slutty Heidi and Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (I mean, Audrina!). Oy vey!

And to bring it full circle....

Tonight atop the rooftop gardens at Rockefeller Center, the VOGUE (oops, I mean the CFDA) nominations were announced. Why any of us who aren't Anna even pay attention to this? It's the same nominees year in and year out. Her boys Jack and Lazaro are nominated (again! QUELLE SURPRISE!) along with Oscar (REALLY???) and Marc (NO WAY!) for designer of the year. The Perry Ellis nominations are Phillip Lim, Thakoon and Rodarte. That's a tough one. This is like an Oscar ballot with all the suspense of a DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES episode!

AW is partial to her gay, Caucasian male fashion designers (read: Zac Posen, Proenza Schouler, Rick Owens, Miguel Adrover);
BUT she's snubbed the gay, Asian male designer before (read: Peter Som, nominated but lost like three or four times in this category);
BUT the last two years has voted for the gay, Asian, male designer (read: Derek Lam in 2005) and the straight, Asian, female designer (read: Doori Chung in 2006)
AND Rodarte seems to be her newest darling duo (read: Kate and Laura Mulleavy) AND they're straight, Caucasian, females...

DO Thakoon and Phillip Lim stand a chance? Or will AW do a trifecta and vote for three Asian designers in a row?

Me? I'm going to go with Thakoon. I mean, don't you just love a good pad thai?

Spring forward, fall's ahead

Great! That means 4am now is 5am....less hours for me to be staring at my ceiling cursing the two week jet lag known as the European shows. Now that spring is here, that only means fall's just around the corner. Heck! In two months we'll be looking at resort! I'm freaking tired already.

But going back to the fall shows, there are some questions that remain....such as:

1. Where can one see the Dries show and did I actually like it?
Sorry to say as far as I know there isn't anyplace that the general public has access to view the show. Ummm, that's why I'm "press" and why you're, well....I DON'T KNOW! Just watch "Unzipped" and you'll get the general idea. And in any case, the show really wasn't outstanding anyway. We're talking Belgian designer. Need I say more? Oh stop! I know there are many Dries fans out there....but I have to say that the production completely overshadowed the clothes and even after reseeing the line I was left to feel somewhat empty. Too much paisley and not enough substance.

2. What was the reaction to Coco's irish jig?
In one word: mesmerizing. It made you almost forget how absolutely hideous she looks.

3. The knock offs?
I'm not quite sure what this question means. But I didn't see any blatant knock off looks whilst in Milan or Paris.

4. Tell us more about the swag!
Darlings, I'm sad to report the swag-o-meter in Europe is a sorry state of affairs. I wish I could say my luggage was stuffed to the gills with gifts galore and cheap purchases. OH NO THAT WOULD BE THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE. The dollar sucks soooo badly that I left Charles de Gaulle hemorrhaging euros. But any future swag reports will be reported! Stay tuned!

5. Who's taking over Anna's job?
No one is taking over just yet. Lauren Davis? Puhleeze! Meredith Melling Burke? Are you kidding? Carine Roitfeld? I don't think so! Rumours go on about Anna every so often but those three names aren't even close to the short list. Think American, forty-something and SMART. Do you really think Si would leave a magazine like VOGUE in the hands of a socialite. dimwit blonde or a French stylist?

6. Am I in2u?
I mean, really. R U really going 2 ask me? I'm insulted on behalf of all bloggers.

7. Can I get you a job? What did I think of YSL?
Sweethearts, I'd love nothing more than to give you all jobs, tickets to shows and all the swag crap I have lying around. But silly rabbits, I'm in cyberspace and don't REALLY exist! Where would I possibly get your resumes?
YSL was so super smart and way beyond most people's comprehension. While it may look simplistic or rather plain two dimensionally (e.g. on style.com) it's quite genius three-dimensionally. The proportions, the fabrics, the tailoring. I'd say a B plus, A minus.

On the docket this and next week: more high fashion for less (CAN IT PLEASE STOP!) with Devi Kroell and Libertine having presentations. And then there's SJP, yup Sarah Jessica Parker, with her Bitten line. I think that's what it's called. I think I'll send my assistant. PUHLEEZE!

Encore! Encore!!

I'm so damn exhausted I can't even think about posting POST-PARIS! But alas I sit almost drooling and half asleep at my computer trying to write something, I mean SOMETHING of importance since Paris ended a few short days ago....

And alas, nothing.

So since I have nothing to report for now...I beg of you...ASK ME ANYTHING and I shall try to answer your most pressing questions and observations from NYC, Milan and Paris. Yes, the next post will be all about YOU! Yes, YOU! And the answers to your most deep dark questions about.....

I have no TOP FIVE, I have nothing to say except I'm half dead and buried. With daylight savings time around the corner, perhaps I'll get a jolt of new energy?

Please tell me you still love me and adore me...that's all I ask....

Penguins is the new black

Last Sunday, with Happy Feet capturing the Oscar for best animated feature, who knew it was a foreshadowing of things to come for Paris fashion week? There were penguin sweaters at Chanel, penguin tuxedos avec cummerbunds AND bow ties at Hermes and then of course there was Alber Elbaz of Lanvin who waddled out like a penguin onto the runway for his bow!!

Let's just hope he doesn't go the way of Marc and Karl and lose all his charming weight. Marc is so super skinny he looks like a different person. Thankfully it hasn't changed the way he designs. His collection for Louis Vuitton was pretty, damn stellar with a stunning color palette that ranged from ochres to lavenders and materials ranging from "rained-on wool" to "waxed rabbit." And then of course there were all the new incarnations of the Vuitton monogram bag: plastic coated, sheepskin-edged or quilted patent to name a few. The new venue, in the courtyard in the Louvre, was another tented outdoor space like the Espace Ephemere at the Tuileries. I have to admit I miss the Petit Palais for all its glorious, old world architecture and acoustics. There wasn't much to be said for the new space. But speaking of spaces...

The space at the Tuileries isn't anything special. It's like going to the big tent at Bryant Park. But today Olivier Theyskens transformed that ho-hum space into an ethereal, pictoresque tableau for his beautiful debut collection for Nina Ricci. We've all gotten a little taste of Olivier for the house of Nina Ricci courtesy of appointed "it-girl" for Nina Ricci, Reese Witherspoon. With the ultra chic yellow dress for the Globes and the crazy good navy chiffon gown at the Oscars (of course both with the newly straightened hair with bangs look), we fashionistas couldn't help but get excited for Sunday at 11am. And he didn't disappoint.

At the top of the runway there was a giant "window" that looked out into the gardens of the Tuileries. So instead of the models coming out from a white blank wall, they came out with a backdrop of the tall, barren trees of the Tuileries. There was a mist machine pumping little poufs of white smoke outside so it created the illusion of a romantic, dewy, misty morning. The girls all came out with hair that looked freshly washed and tousled just so. But then upon closer inspection you realized they all had thin strands of feathers elongating their already long locks that seemed to mimic summery beach highlights AND an otherworldly, angelic essence. It was just so so pretty! And the clothes weren't bad either.

TOP FIVE TRENDS/ITEMS PARIS FASHION WEEK A/W 2007
5. Feather trim
4. Skinny belt
3. Something degrade
2. A pencil skirt
1. Swing coat

And with that, an au revoir from Paris. See you back, stateside in a few...

Falling in love again, what am I to do?

It's hard not to get a runway tune out of your head. Among all the glamorous gowns and nude streakers at Valentino sang "Bette Davis Eyes." And then there was George Harrison's "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" playing alongside the scrim at Dries. And really who could forget the chorus of "Put your panties on, put your pussy away" repeating over and over again at ten in the morning (ok, so it was more like 10:45am) at Stella? I'm starting to understand how the music can be a detriment or distraction from the show. Or how it can set the tone of what's to come and how it's to end. Last season John Galliano chose Christina Aguilera's "Back to Basics" and "Hurt" for his whole runway show of nude-colored lace. With the haunting music in the vaulted acoustic high ceilings of the Grand Palais, it wasn't hard to drift away from the monochromatic tone of the clothes and hone in on the colorful and charismatic hue of the music.

Today, over at Chanel I certainly felt "Under Pressure." Perhaps because we were underneath giant suspended billowing clouds high above in the Grand Palais with enough bright lights to melt even the faux snow and ice of the runway. Thank God for the microdermabrasion kit given as pre-show goodies to rid the melting residue of makeup deeply penetrated in our pores. Perhaps I felt "Under Pressure" when the show started promptly at 10:25am (unheard of for a Parisian 10am show) and models started to come out at a clip and there was no time to take it all in? The dresses over pants with a jacket, scarf, belt, boots, necklace AND an armful of bangles. Look after look, Karl managed once again to surprise and swoon us with incredible jackets, accessories and little black dresses. With the refrain of the words "Just a Perfect Day" playing in the background, I couldn't agree more. Sunny and happy both inside and outside. Who could complain? I LOVE Paris!

But how quickly it turns to the dark side.

The clouds came rushing in, the wind picked up and BOOM! It was a dreary, gloomy, rainy day in Paris. And how apropos that from Chanel on....'twas a dark and dreary day....ending with a major dreary, gloomy THUD at Alexander McQueen.

Alexander managed to continue the misogynistic theme from Viktor & Rolf and Dolce & Gabbana to have models in horrifying shoes walking in a red runway pattern of a Satanic symbol on black ash, some while trapped in a nightmare-inducing worthy mask covering their faces and quite possibly their breathing apparatuses. QUEL HORREUR! Then there was the upside down giant pyramid "screen" that flicked between a film of a naked woman, maggots/roaches/some gross insects moving around, witches and a skull. I don't care that Alexander is a direct descendent of Elizabeth How of Salem. The Goth element here was not innovative. It was downright scary, gross and gross and scary! Oh, and mean too. And ugly. And it was rainy and disgusting outside too. Just like last October. Except the spring 2007 collection then was a completely opposite 180 degrees ravishingly radiant show. But the weather sucked last season too. I guess some things never change.

Doppelgangers and Victims

There are some true doppelgangers in the world of fashion. Whether it's one model for another, an editor for an actress or a pr person for a model, there are enough "separated at birth" names to list.

TOP FIVE DOPPELGANGERS OF THE WEEK
5. Natasha Poly = Vanessa Paradis
4. Doutzen Kroes = Denise Richards
3. Julia Stegner = Karen Duffy formerly from Dior and Valentino PR
2. Vlada Roslyakova = JJ Martin from Harper's Bazaar (look closely...it's quite uncanny)
1. Agyness Deyn = Kate Lanphear from Elle OR "the new" Stella Tennant

And on the same sort of note...it seems as if every magazine has their share of "sticks up their asses" editors (READ: type A anal with staid tastes in fashion. Head to toe one designer with Manolos) and "victims/poseurs" (READ: label whores who wear "look at me" pieces, Complete extroverts, somehow look totally UN-put together). But to be nice (again, I must not make it a habit), I'll add the positive: "comfortably chic" (READ: don't scream designer this and designer that, Easily manage to have their own sense of personal style).

So here goes....

Harper's Bazaar (I HAVE to start with the easy one):
Stick up their ass: Nicole Fritton
Victim/poseur: JJ Martin
Comfortably Chic: Anamaria Pimentel

Elle:
Stick up their ass: Joann Pailey
Victim/poseur: Kate Lanphear
Comfortably Chic: Isabel Dupre

W:
Stick up their ass: Caroline Angel
Victim/poseur: Alex White
Comfortably Chic: Meggan Crum

Teen Vogue:
Stick up their ass: Jane Keltner*** (the original -- noted in earlier blog though not mentioned by name)
Victim/poseur: Jillian Davison or Taylor Tommasi
Comfortably Chic: Gloria Baume

Marie Claire:
Stick up their ass: Joanna Cole
Victim/poseur: Tracy Taylor *** (the original -- noted in earlier blog AND mentioned by name)
Comfortably Chic: Kathryn Floyd

Naked Ambition

Who really cares about what socialites flew across the pond to make it to Valentino? Let's talk about the two naked PETA protestors who were taken down mid-thigh! One of course was taken down ever so gently (NOT!) right on top of Glamour editor in chief Cindi Leive. With her prim white ruffled blouse and black pencil skirted outfit I wasn't sure if she was going to leave her front row seat and head to the hills...or at the very least the top of the stairs and out the exit of the Carrousel du Louvre! After the ruckus and everyone probably missing about the next ten looks, ANOTHER PROTESTOR jumped up STARK NAKED about to descend onto the runway when she was nabbed by an audience member, and further detained by the "gardes." Oh la la!!! It was a lot of excitement in three minutes time so early in the day! We were all waiting for the final THIRD attempt and almost half hoping she would actually make her way onto the actual runway. In the years I've covered fashion shows I don't remember naked protestors. These protestors were completely nude, with writing on their bodies in addition to their white banners condemning fur. Only in France, oui?

But the excitement...and naked theme didn't end there. While the Valentino show continued on without a hitch, there was much more to follow...at the Dries Van Noten show.

Walking into Dries there was a divided runway with a "scrim" running the length of the space. On one side sat the spectators: editors, retailers and the like. What we all faced in the bleacher-like seating was ostensibly "the backstage." All the models, dressers, hair and makeup, etc. were all in front of us slightly masked by the scrim (a mesh screen) so we were all voyeurs into the whole backstage process of a show about to begin. It was again theatre at its best. When the show started we watched as every model stood in line for their turn to walk down the length of the runway only to turn and be on the other side of the scrim and walk back towards their station where they would be changed into their next exit. Yes. You guessed it. Barely legal-aged models stripping down to their skivvies for all of us to see as they were put into new clothes. And I don't care what people say about body mass index. It's all crap I tell you! These girls WERE scrawny! Bones sticking out for all of us to witness. Thighs that are the size of most people's upper arms. Skeletal backs and sunken in chests. And the lack of privacy for all of us to watch.

Then at Christian Lacroix, with the wide cobalt carpet runway and blue backdrop, the models came out in embellished black coats and dresses with fur trims here and there and......BAM! A NAKED PETA PROTESTOR ON THE RUNWAY! At last, success for our PETA people. Don't they always say third time's the charm?

With V&R giving us a show where no one watched the clothes because of dangerously insensitive rigging of the models...

AND Valentino being upstaged by not one, but TWO naked PETA protestors who made it hard to concentrate on the clothes for the rest of the show...

AND Dries staging a show where the clothes seemed like a backdrop to the actual show that was going on "behind the screen" therefore forcing most of us to not pay attention to the intended show (or was the fact that the clothes were not so glorious as usual on purpose so that we WOULD pay more heed to the voyeuristic element and that in fact, THAT WAS THE SHOW?)...

TO finally at Lacroix a naked PETA protestor made it on stage to be snapped by photographers all across the world at a show where you could say that in terms of the clothing LESS could have been MORE (as the PETA protestor was duly dressed?).....

I just hope that the PETA people remember that our girl Stella doesn't use animal products and that they don't make a scene at her show in the morning. Then again, look what they did at Miuccia's show in Milan. Damn fools! But nicely toned.

It's Paris fashion week, when's DKNY?

It's getting way too confusing (and annoying) with fashion designers choosing to show in countries other than their own country. It's bad enough that Miuccia has decided for the second season in a row to show her secondary Miu Miu line in Paris to an audience of 12. (Ok, it's not 12 but it IS teeny tiny.) Two weeks ago Marc Jacobs decided to show his secondary line, Marc by Marc Jacobs, in London. London? I mean, no one goes to London anymore! Just watch. Whatever MJ does, the flock will follow and soon London fashion week will surpass NYC. Really all we need is for those damn Brits like Alice Temperley and Luella Bartley to go back to London. And while we're at it, let's have Stella McCartney go back there as well. I see a British revolution on the horizon!

Speaking of ex-pats...we have one of the originals tomorrow. Mr. Valentino has adopted Paris as his venue of choice for years and his show has always attracted many celebrities, both foreign and domestic. Of course last season there was a front row full of New York's finest. Yes, there were socialites galore. Me? I can't wait if I'll be blessed with Tinsley Mortimer's presence. Perhaps it'll be Olivia Chantecaille? Could it be Dr. Lisa Airan? More importantly, does she ever have office hours?

Going back to shows...did I tell you how great Dior was?

Speaking of great...Nicolas Ghesquiere's collection for Balenciaga was one of his best as well. It was full of luxurious but down-to-earth sportswear (unlike the space age collection he showed last season). There were tribal-like influences, down to the white striped makeup on the eyes, with ikat prints, mixed with fur, with a little Missoni knit prints thrown into the mix. The casual sportswear was to-die-for with track pants and slouchy khakis with fitted blazers that were modern versions of outfits that could be in the Preppy Handbook. This is all about the personal order.

Spectacular! Spectacular!

I simply must steal those words from Moulin Rouge when describing John Galliano's latest collection for Dior. THIS is what we come to Paris for. The past couple seasons John has not thrilled us with his usual theatrics. The makeup has been tame, the clothes even moreso. But it's all changed...back to the good old days of vibrant perfection! The makeup is gloriously over the top! The hats and headgear unbelievably chic and dramatic and astonishing at the same time!! And the clothes, well....simply brilliant!!! I haven't seen a collection like this in years. Can I please go on?

With careful tucks and pleating and Japanese-style origami folding, John was a master tailor from strapless cocktail dresses to skirt suits to fox fur coats and nary a pant in sight. And with a color range of everything under the sun, it made the black dresses stand out even more brilliantly.

Mischa Barton, who arrived sans paparazzi (maybe since her character died and subsequently the show no one cared? or recognized? her), definitely was treated to a fabulous display of pret-a-porter with a heavy dose of haute couture. Then again, we all were.

Theatrics, Television and Tory

Today's Topics? THE LETTER T.

Theatrics: Oh la la! Over at Viktor & Rolf, these two seem to have become the latest misongynistic designing duo! Ok, let's face it: MOST (OK, ALL!!) gay male designers are completely misogynistic. V&R are taking over where Dolce and Gabbana left off in Milan. With models rigged to their own speaker and lighting systems it was as frightful to watch as it was for the models who walked (ever so cautiously) down the runway. Who even knows what the clothes looked like? With theatre like this, who needs Telecharge?

Television: I don't know about you but I think Al Jazeera television MUST be added to Time Warner Cable's line up. (THIS IS A JOKE.) Is it really so hard for the Europeans to provide some interesting programming for us HARD AT WORK? I love old episodes of Newlyweds Nick and Jessica, especially when Jessica talks about how she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Nick....or did she mean until she got down and dirty with Dane Cook? Or was it Johnny Knoxville? Hmmmmmm........

Tory: Did anyone read their WWD? It seems like Ms. Tory Burch is out canoodling with Mr. Lance Armstrong. Has anyone alerted Matthew McConaughey? Did anyone notice she has a STRIKING RESEMBLANCE to a Ms. Sheryl Crow (also pictured on the same spread no less!). Again, has anyone alerted Matthew McConaughey?

Before I sign off for now I must comment on a few notes left for me....some are more recent, some days old...please bear with me as I try to answer your questions both here, on your site's commentary or my own....and without further delay....

Regarding getting into a fashion show:
Of course I would do so! Except that it would mean blowing my cover. Oh well, too bad for you! No tix to Vuitton or Dior. Just look at it as me $AVING YOU airfare from Vienna to Paris! Truth be told, those shows are nearly impossible to sneak into. C'EST LA VIE!

Regarding do I get discounts at boutiques?
Do you REALLY think any of us would be doing what we are doing if we didn't? THAT and ordering wholesale. Scratch that, I meant receiving items at our offices no charge. VOILA!

Regarding Oscar coverage:
Meryl's "devil wears Prada" inside joke WAS a joke...so much so it was a disaster. To think that Miuccia herself designed the dress for her? But then add in the jewelry, the hair, the glasses....MON DIEU!

Didn't see much on Kirsten...just went online...yes, a tad on the more mature side but it still doesn't merit my TOP FIVE WORST. CA VA?

And re: Cate vs Jennifer -- you'd be surprised HOW MANY folks agree with us. Over in gay paree we are all O-V-E-R Mademoiselle Hudson (except perhaps those at VOGUE who are hoping extraordinary newsstand sales of its March cover girl)....can I repeat...MON DIEU!

A bientot....comments on Dior, Balenciaga and Gaultier....

Oscars, Paris-style

Ever since they moved the Oscars to the end of February it's really put a whole wrench in my whole Oscar-viewing habits. First of all it's smack dab during Paris fashion week and if you do the math...well, it airs at like 3 in the morning. Didn't they know I have a 10 o'clock fashion show the next day?

Truth be told, there aren't really any shows of importance the day after Oscars so fortunately if I were to stay up and watch them it really wouldn't be such a hardship. But really, with all the "post-game" coverage available on CNN, online and youtube I figured I'd be able to get my Oscar fashion coverage AND of course the winners and losers.

In a nutshell: did they have to give the damn award to Jennifer Hudson? And really she should not have a 7 foot tall gay black man being her stylist. And ABC shouldn't have a 7 foot tall gay black man doing red carpet commentary.

The Oscars have become such a joke in recent years (ok, for DECADES!). To think that Mira Sorvino in Mighty Aphrodite won over Kate Winslet in Sense and Sensibility is as bad as Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls winning over Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal. Thank God Marty won. It chills me to think if Jennifer Hudson won an Oscar before Martin Scorsese. I think I would have had to hurl. But the fact that Kate Winslet hasn't won an Oscar and Jennifer Hudson has? Oh, and then there's the ensuing catfight between Beyonce and Jennifer. THREE out of the five best songs were from Dreamgirls, Beyonce was a shoo-in and SHE STILL LOST! ALL THREE DREAMGIRLS SONGS LOST!!! The plain truth? That movie wasn't any good! At least the academy got it right in not voting for Eddie Murphy. His pompous attitude after winning the Globe and SAG awards goes to show that he really still has no talent (or respect in the industry). Let's have him continue doing crap like Norbit. Let's keep the riff raff like Eddie and Jennifer out of Oscar contention. Puh-leeze!!!

And then there's a nomination for Pat Field for The Devil Wears Prada? I mean...I'd pick the costumes in the movie Cars or Happy Feet over The Devil Wears Prada! Pat did a fantastic job for Sex and the City. She made Carrie Bradshaw/SJP a complete icon. SJP should bow at Pat's feet for making her into such a modern fashion icon. But that movie was crap crap crap in terms of costume design (or lack there of)....AND THEN to see the cast members' Oscar outfits? GHASTLY! Meryl? What was she thinking? Anne Hathaway in Valentino? Horrendous! Pat Field herself? OH MY GOD! Just such an utter display of mediocrity on the Oscar runway. Gosh darn it sounds like some other runways....

TOP FIVE WORST DRESSED AT THE OSCARS:
5. Gwyneth Paltrow in Zac Posen -- What is that? A see thru bra in a sunburned flesh tone? Ewwwww!
4. Cameron Diaz in Valentino -- Reminds me of that disgusting backwards tuxedo Celine Dion wore years ago. TACKY!
4bis. Anne Hathaway in Valentino -- White with that black bow...oh...no!!!
3. Jennifer Lopez in Marchesa -- Along with that awful, Donna Reed-housewife hairstyle (but not in a sexy way), that dress continues to put Marchese on the top of my list of WORST red carpet dress makers.
2. Nicole Kidman in Balenciaga -- All that red with the bow? Looked like BAD Valentino.
1. Beyonce Knowles in Armani Prive -- I thought it was Elie Saab....again....Need I say more?

When did jolie-laid = top paid models?

Let's not talk about the weight restrictions. Let's talk about the beauty restrictions. The LACK of beauty at the runway shows in Milan and New York. Now that we're off to the land of francais...let's have a little french lesson. The first word? "Jolie-laid." The french term of "jolie-laid" literally translates to "beautiful-ugly." It's that fine line where someone who is not traditionally beautiful has some sort of feature that makes them actually pretty.

These models are not even jolie-laid. They're downright ugly! I'm not quite sure how some of these girls became models. I'm all for the unique and somewhat untraditional forms of beauty but some of these girls are really pushing the envelope. And I hate the idea that these modeling scouts actually picked these girls out of supermarkets and the such. Just because you're tall and lanky does not mean you should be a model. I mean...

I miss Hana! Where's Marija? Give me more Doutzen! Thank goodness for some Carmen Kass here and there! Oh how I miss the old days of Amber and Shalom. Remember Nadja Auermann? But I'll even take the days of Erin (Wasson), Aurelie and Audrey Marnay. I perk up when even Trish Goff makes an occasional appearance. Anything than some of those awful looking models on the runways.

One of the first jolie-laid models was, of course, Karen Elson. I don't care how much of a photographer's darling she became...she was damn unattractive! Then there's Elise Crombez (famous for her Proenza Schouler for Target ads). She's another one who really is not that attractive. To round out the red heads, there's Lily Cole. NOT PRETTY!

Going back to Trish Goff, when she first started she had her fair share of haters. But I'd take her at every single show just to get rid of some of the others that are being booked back-to-back-to-back at GOOD shows!

So here goes...another TOP FIVE list...

TOP FIVE "JOLIE-LAID" (ACTUALLY JUST "LAID") MODELS
5. Cecelia Mendez -- she looks like an alien; that "gamine" haircut is "laid"
4. Bette Frank -- who "discovered" her? needs to be fired immediately
3. Vlada Rosiyakova -- that walk is awful and she's just not attractive
2. Lara Stone -- she slumps when she walks and has the worst facial expression
1. Coco Rocha -- the nostrils are just insane......ly bad! and those pursed lips? i want to throw up

The fourth row and beyond

Who needs a front row at Dolce and Gabbana when you can see the clothes as clearly from the seventh? With the stadium-style tiered cushion seats it's hard not to have "a bad seat in the house." Of course I'm just kidding, silly! But at least it IS true that with seating that is elevated row after row it's not as bad as sitting seven rows back with the row in front of you at the same level. The elevated row seating was popular this season at Alberta Ferretti and Moschino and of course Mr. Armani has been treating us to this tiered seating for YEARS! It's especially comforting...NOT! when American editors who are usually in the front row are seated in the fourth, fifth, sixth, AND YES, even seventh row. Imagine how thrilled the pr flack are when phone calls are placed the next day, or even that afternoon or evening with complaints. How embarrassing though, of course, is when they seat an editor-in-chief in the second row. THE HORROR!

I talked about seat upgrades in my very first blog entry...or the whole phenomenon of when an editor at a "less important, fashion-wise" magazine is promoted to a position at a more important one and subsequently goes through a personality transformation as well, develops an attitude, and becomes an asshole...I remember when a certain editor at a D-list magazine was seated in the fifth row at Stella McCartney and then the next season jumped ship to a C-list magazine in a higher position and was then seated in the front row. HOW QUICKLY THEY RISE! And then there's the editor at an A-list magazine who jumped ship to a C-list magazine and BOOM! from second row to fifth. HOW QUICKLY THEY FALL!

It's all so insufferably stupid yet we all find ourselves comparing and contrasting and giggling at the absurdity of it all. Something needs to keep us entertained as we wait for 45 minutes in unseasonably warm temperatures at the Fiera waiting for a show to begin.

A few notes from the shows before I sign off from Milan...

Our girl Glenda (Bailey) MUST be reading my blog...she actually looked...presentable on Tuesday. Her hair was coifed rather prettily in soft curls framing her face and she was wearing polished, somewhat tailored clothes that were monochromatic and not embellished. Oh how I wish I could photograph everything for you! But alas it would be nearly impossible.

Fendi has a new baguette...and it's not a bag. An oversized baguette crystal belt adorned many an outfit as it went down the runway. We're talking huge baguettes in jewel tones like citrine and blue topaz. Who needs jewelry when you have a baguette belt?

Dolce and Gabbana was feeling quite "erotic" with both their visual display of models on a "merry go round" that would delight any fetishist and auditory display with Ms. Blonde Ambition herself: Madonna's "Erotic" playing over and over again with "I Feel Love." And you can't miss picking up a whip, mirrored stilettos and silver mask-shields the next time you're sliding down that pole of yours in the bedroom.

And last but not least, with Daria making her only appearance on the Versace runway, it was definitely a way to close Milan fashion week. With Donatella off the hard stuff it clearly shows: her clothes were sexy and sophisticated. Talk about blonde ambition.

See you in Paris...

Jennifer Hudson is the new Gisele

Of course I'm kidding...but kinda not really. Did you see that Jennifer Hudson is the new March cover girl for VOGUE? And with Gisele gaining apparently 14 pounds (according to WWD) to open and close the Dolce and Gabbana show, it seems like fat is the new thin. Then again that would contradict the whole Milan scene where models like Snejana, Sasha and Vlada are permanent fixtures at almost every major runway show. But going back to Gisele. While she wasn't actually heavy (ok, she was not her usual stick self...she DID seem a tad heavier) she seemed like a glamazon compared to our girl Snejana AND she could barely walk the runway without looking down at her feet every three steps. What happened to the old Gisele? The confidence? The bravada? The covers of VOGUE? Oh that's right, Jennifer Hudson took it ALL over. I don't want to begrudge someone's newfound success but that Jennifer Hudson has some serious attitude. At least Carrie Underwood (at the Grammy's) thanked Simon Fuller and American Idol for basically making her who she is today (which contributed to her success as a Grammy winner). Jennifer Hudson, on the other hand, doesn't even thank American Idol or her castmates from Dreamgirls. But why does she need to do that? She's already a VOGUE cover girl...I mean even Beyonce hasn't achieved that! I see a cat fight coming on......

But back to the shows...and...the Marni outlet. As mentioned in one of my earliest blog entries (if you haven't read it you should go back to it as it gives the rundown of Milan fashion week essentials), this is the place to go for a bi-annual pilgrimage. But with the euro at a painful 1.35 to 1.4 exchange rate the deals aren't really such deals. But it's still impossible not to pass up a relatively good bargain! Two tops and a dress later will only set you back $900. OUCH! Needless to say the shopping in Milan has not been plentiful. With exchange rates this high, I'm better off buying stuff back in New York.

So on to today's (and first for Milan) TOP FIVE:

TOP FIVE ITEMS MILAN FASHION WEEK A/W 2007
5. A belted cropped and fitted jacket
4. Something kelly green
3. A long sleeved day dress
2. Elbow length gloves
1. A cape

From PETA to Prada with a cape and a clutch

Who said fashion was all about black, brown and gray? While Raf Simons's collection for Jil Sander stuck to her minimalist roots, the clothes definitely spoke volumes in colors ranging from a cranberry grape to shocking blue and kelly green. Of course there were skinny trousers one after another in addition to terrific jackets and coats but it was the varying capes in neutral grays and navys that kept to the Jil Sander name while still being forward thinking. Speaking of capes, if you're tired of this trend then you can always opt for the sleeveless overcoat, a new invention by Miuccia this season. In 7 below freezing temperatures I'm not sure if this is the BEST financial investment. Perhaps she's designing for February weather in Milan during the collections. Can I tell you that I can PRACTICALLY TASTE spring. The weather here is so glorious I just hope we're lucky to bring the good fortune with us to Paris. God help us if it rains. My platform patent heels won't survive the sandy mess of the Tuileries!

Just like Raf, Miuccia showed us that autumn/winter 07 is not about dreary blacks and grays. Actually it seems as if Miuccia was inspired by watching Elmo and the gang on Sesame Street. Green, pink, orange shearlings (or was it broadtail?) and cartoonish overcoats with plastic fringe reminiscent of a car wash cleaner. Glancing around the optical, concentric circle runway full of editors and retailers it seemed as if Miuccia missed her mark this season. But then again season after season she is annointed such a forward-thinker that the collection is deemed genius. She's the MJ of Milano.

The only controversy of the day (besides Tomas Meier's repeated offense of sounding superfluous and pretentious in his liner/run of show notes) is the PETA protestors managing to break into the iron-clad gates of the Prada show. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, harder and more annoying than getting into a Prada show. Everyone stands with their tickets in hand being shoved and nearly burned (by various cigarettes dangling precariously near your brand new Derek Lam cape. Somehow, someway a few protestors managed to make their way onto the runway of the show while the models were making their encore lap. But didn't they know that those cartoon-ish shearling coats and clutches were actually made out of Gonzo's and the Cookie Monster's extra wardrobe materials?

Speaking of materials, there were Tomas Meier's fabrics and colors for Bottega Veneta: ratine de laine, intrecciato vernice, "a soft yellow-white that suggests the color of a candle flame" and wool tricotine, alabaster and "a sinuous dress of liquid satin." It all sounds all so luxurious I think I'll blow my whole paycheck on a blonde fluid satin bra and matching pajama pant!

And by the way, don't forget that "nero" is the new black.

I'm in Milan but I haven't gotten my Prada gift

Of course I'm having a flashback. It has been SEASONS since Miuccia has gifted us spoiled editors with Welcome To Milan gifts with our invites to the shows. Tonight is the show but alas the invite came without a shopping bag attached. Oh how I miss the old days of 2003!

Today is a full day of shows: Jil Sander, Bottega Veneta (I hope Tomas's liner notes are as pretentious as last season so I have something to blog about), Alberta Ferretti among others...

Yesterday at Burberry, anorexia was alive and well. Snejana was there looking like a pre-pubescent girl. You kind of HAD to be anorexic-looking...those clothes could make even Sasha look fat. Talk about volume with a big belt. Christopher Bailey did not design this for fellow Brit Glenda Bailey. I REALLY hope she doesn't pick out anything from this collection for herself. The horror! Anyway, I must say the show went on forever...kind of like the song that was playing with the same words.

And then there was Armani...there are no words to describe an Armani show. I can't even begin. So I'll stop for now. But I do have to say that he's stuck in the 80s. The music! The clothes! The clapping! It's just too much right now for me to think about because I really must be going.

Dear Valentine, All I want is a YSL Downtown bag...

Besides Christmas, pre fashion weeks rank somewhat high on the swag-o-meter. Especially if you're the lucky dogs who work in accessories. I saw bags upon bags being delivered to a certain editrix. Mulberry, YSL, Tod's to name a few. Really, does she need all those bags? Talk about greedy consumption. She could at least divvy it up among her plentiful coworkers who only see jeans, ill-fitting blouses and cashmere-blend sweaters. But then again why would she ever give up a YSL Downtown bag?

I think it's safe to say that judging from the swag from the past couple weeks, business is alive and well for the big guns. And they know where their bread is buttered. No one is rushing out to Neimans or Bergdorfs to buy a $15,000 evening gown they saw in a fashion spread...but that $1500 bag? YOU BETCHA! They're selling out of that bag....1000 times over. That dress? Maybe at most 10. Yeah, that's right...you do the math. These PR people are geniuses getting these bags into the hands of those who will wear it, work it and advertise it for free, free, free. It's the best and smartest spent ad budget.

Happy FREAKIN' Valentine's Day

It's way too late, I've had too much to drink and......

So happy fucking Valentine's Day....hope it was happy and that the same random fashion companies sent you Maison de chocolat boxes and roses from Belle Fleur. Enjoy....and let's talk tomorrow.

If I fall behind, I'll have hell to pay!

Thanks to all your comments I feel a necessary obligation to blog on a daily basis...an absurdedly impossible or difficult feat as it may be. But I have to admit I don't want to blog things of unimportance, so when faced with a day's activities that hardly warrant any commentary I do find myself at odds with blogging something OF importance.

Which brings me to my topic of the day: leaving in x days to attend the Milan shows. I don't know about you but I'm absolutely SICK SICK SICK of the clothes I wore during NY fashion week. And it's not like I'm about to purchase new items for Milan or anything. BUT I might feel compelled to ask for a few samples here and there. Honestly I'm dreading the whole packing process. It's a whole different ball game when you're packing for a two week vacation. (Do any of you even KNOW what a TWO WEEK vacation is?) When packing for Milan and Paris fashion weeks it's not about two skirts, jeans, pants and some tops. It's about the Prada this, the YSL that, the Derek Lam jacket, the Narciso shift, the Dolce pants and the Gucci coat. Of course I'm somewhat exaggerating but in some ways not really. It's like putting the greatest hits album out of your personal closet. It's freaking tough. You don't want to be caught up in it but it's damn hard not to want to make sure you don't look like a complete mess. Or a victim. But that's Tracy Taylor's job so you don't really have to worry so much. But now that there is that new Style Director at Marie Claire you'll be happy to know that at least there are TWO fashionistas who will look CLEARLY worse than you.

Really I CAN be nice

Looking around at shows I noticed some stylish, pretty fashionistas with good hair. So one last TOP FIVE list before I head to Milan...though I might scrounge up another one before I land at Malpensa...

THE TOP FIVE MOST PRETTY AT NYC SHOWS
5. Roopal Patel from Bergdorf Goodman
4. Siobhan Bonnouvrier from Allure
3. Meggan Crum from W
2. Bee Shaffer from Teen Vogue (ok, really, she's just Anna's daughter)
1. Virginie Mouzat from Le Figaro

In my next job I want to be a Teen Vogue intern

My weekend consisted of sitting on my couch, ordering takeout and watching reruns of The Hills on MTV. Ok, I'm lying...I didn't actually....move to my couch. I.....was still in bed. But nevertheless, I WAS catching up on some good old fashioned trash tv and some guilty pleasures such as The Hills.

First of all, I love that Heidi refers to the Playmates Spencer is hanging all over as "blonde bimbos." It really is like the pot calling the kettle black. Especially now that she has posed in Stuff magazine in her underwear or a bikini or whatever it was. She needs to be killed off....but I guess that would require ACTUAL murder since it's reality television. Oh but wait, I forgot, she's now in the recording studio because she's a bimbo/reality tv star/singer. Which reminded me that yesterday I forgot about the most notorious "slashed" person: socialite/skanky whore/actress/designer/reality tv star/porn star/singer Paris Hilton. DUH!

Oh and that fashion show? Are you serious? That nut job designer is a friend of Amy Astley's? I've lost complete respect for AA if that's really the case. That designer was a complete disaster and utterly tacky. I won't be able to look at AA in the face seriously again. I'll have to look away in shame (for her!). I have to say I kept staring at her at shows last week trying to figure out what she had in common with that freak show of a designer. I'm going to blame it on the "unscripted" script.

Then there's the most recent episode about "NY intern" Emily...who has a stick up her ass and is so joltingly condescending and pretentious. A coincidence she landed at Conde Nast? But the best reveal? Her boss happens to be the "stick up her ass" editor I mentioned in a previous blog! What uncanny, ironic sense of timing? I LOVE when that happens.

Emily of course waltzes into the Teen Vogue L.A. offices with a python Devi Kroell bag costing upwards of $1000, knows everything and anything about flowers, speaks with a part Connecticut lockjaw, has pretty penmanship, not to mention FLYS to L.A. from NYC--what freaking intern flys across the country for a dinner that horsey, blonde editor is hosting? And of course she gets to stay at the dinner...not like the hired "blonde" L.A. help: Lauren and Whitney, the normal interns. I almost felt sorry for them....tear, tear.

Actress yesterday, singer tomorrow, fashionista next week

The Grammies were on tonight and is it me or was the choice of presenters completely odd? Ok, maybe not all of them but can you tell me why two no name actresses from a piss poor CBS show (OH! I just realized what happened! The execs at CBS decided to "promote" this piss poor show and C-list celebrities--one of which used to be on BUFFY, a REAL reputable, good show--since it was the same network)...sorry! Just answered my own question.

Jennifer Hudson was there in all her plus size glory. Is it me or are you sick of seeing her? The fact that she now considers herself an actress just makes me cringe. I really wish she's just stick to her first love: singing. Or was her first love being an actress? It's really hard to tell these days. Mandy Moore was a presenter too. She was looking rather large I have to say, sadly enough. Is she an actress or singer or both? And then of course Scarlett Johannson was there to present the final award of the night with Don Henley. With the introduction that she is about to release or record her first album! Perhaps it'll coincide with her new line for Reebok? Or maybe her next movie? I don't know...I'm confused. And then there are the sports stars who are fashion designers. The models who are the actresses AND fashion designers. Serena and Venus, Amber, Elle, Gisele, Gail.

I'm wondering what's left to slash for these model/actress/singer/fashion designers? Teacher? Attorney? Cobbler? Chef? Stripper? (Oh no, Carmen Electra has already done that...or maybe it's more "Burlesque dancer") I have to say I feel mighty lazy when I see these overachieving twenty-somethings. Makes me feel like I spent too much of my youth at places like Temple Bar, The Limelight and the High Life. Oh, no, my youth was not wasted. Those WERE the days.

Front row users and abusers

Alas another New York fashion week has come to an end. I'm tearing up just thinking about not seeing these fashion fools for another......

TEN DAYS! Oh how I wish it were longer. Unfortunately for me though I'll probably be lucky enough to run into a few at some resee appointments next week before heading to Milan and going through the whole circus again. The pushing, the shoving, the unkempt hair, the bulbous balloon-sleeved heavy wool coats...and that's just Glenda Bailey! The other day she literally pushed against me in her absolutely hideous charcoal coat with a pattern of black jet beads and embroidery hanging six inches apart with fitted sleeves that turned into bubbles from elbow to wrist. It's almost as if someone on her staff actually loathes her so deeply that she dresses her in these atrocious creations. If she had some manners perhaps I wouldn't wax poetic on her clothing practices. Unfortunately I've been literally pushed and shoved enough times from Ms. Bailey at shows (We're all trying to get out of the tents as quickly as possible! There's no need to push me as if that will get you out of there quicker!) this week that I now vow to make her #1 persona non grata. Maybe she's trying to get out of the tents quicker so that she can get back to the office to save her wretched magazine. If they don't fold that magazine soon it won't be soon enough. Perhaps that's why all the Harpers Bazaar editors are always on their blackberries...looking for new jobs. The abuse of blackberries (OK, I KNOW I'VE ALREADY GONE THERE) but it really came to a head this week when I noticed that many of these editors, retailers and of course those damn socialites were busy tapping away not even looking up to watch what was coming down the runway. AND MOST OF THE TIME IT WAS IN THE FRONT ROW!!!!!! Ok, maybe if you're sitting in the FOURTH ROW. Even the second. But how insanely rude to be pecking at a Blackberry while seated in the front row? The biggest abusers of this? Of course Glenda's crew. Second place? Cindy Lieve and her Glamour gals. And third place would be some high-fashion retailers. NEed I say More, my dArliNgS?

On to the fun part...TOP FIVE list of the day......

TOP FIVE IN NEED OF A STYLIST (and who they should hire)
5. Cindy Lieve---Nina Garcia, for someone who is in her 40's (even if she says she's in her 30's), she's polished and keeps it sexy without being vulgar and Cindy could benefit from a little excitement in her wardrobe. It's so safe and boring...show off your cute figure and be more daring!
4. Sally Singer---Anne Christensen can show Sally that her upscale Mary Kate Olsen look LOOKS old on her and that she needs to streamline and rein in the impulse to mix too many prints, oversized pieces and messy hair. She's short of a Starbucks Venti and oversized sunglasses to complete a full on Mary Kate.
3. Rachel Zoe---Melanie Ward can teach her to learn the idea of simplified clothing+neat ponytail+pale skin=terrific chic
2. Nicole Fritton---Gloria Baume, fashion director at Teen Vogue, her hip, young but fashionable style can help Nicole dress more age appropriately or at least 5 years younger than her 50+ aged looks
1bis. Tracy Taylor---Virginie Mouzat, the fashion director at Le Figaro, looks effortlessly put together, with clearly expensive tastes but doesn't scream label whore
1. Glenda Bailey--- Linda Wells, knows good value and is sensible in her picks. Mixes trends with classics and doesn't look like a victim. Knows her age, keeps it in check, wears her clothes, they don't wear her.

She needs to get that stick out from inside her ass

I couldn't resist but post another blog for today after looking at some of the fashionistas throughout the day. Perhaps it's because they're cold, perhaps it's because they're constipated (would YOU take a crap in one of those disgusting portable potties at Bryant Park?) but looking around the rooms of the Promenade, the Tent and 205 W39TH st (the location of Calvin Klein's show) I noticed the same girls with that "stick up your ass" look. So in decreasing order:

TOP FIVE FASHIONISTAS WITH STICKS UP THEIR ASSES
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Horsey blonde editor at Teen Vogue (she's kind of like the stern but still vapid and blonde version of Whitney from THE HILLS)

Oh shit. I guess there was only one. Does anyone know her real name?

The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!!

Every fall season there always seems to be some sort of Russian influence. I think I recall one year Michael Kors' liner notes mentioning Julie Christie in Dr. Zhivago. This year it's Vera's turn. Luxurious, crystals and mink on tulle over satin with a knit kerchief over the hair, it was clothes to take you from the bread lines straight to a Bolshoi performance. While past seasons Vera has been "inspired" by Alber Elbaz from Lanvin and Consuelo Casiglione from Marni, this season it looks like she went straight to the top: Ms. Miuccia herself. Perhaps commercialism has gotten in the way of creativity? Not to say I thought this collection seemed commercial. It was way too fussy for that. But there was definitely a familiarity about it.

On to more important things...

Seems like I'm not the only one (duh!) to poke fun at our girl Tinsley. It's hard when you've become such a caricature.

From style.com in reference to the Peter Som show...
So if one of his front-row favorites like Tinsley Mortimer or Zani Gugelmann wants to vary her routine and try lunch at Café Cluny instead of BG, let her go to Som for clothes that will work in any ZIP code: superslim pants, an oversize short-sleeved sweater, a washed (i.e., not too tough) leather jacket, and a dark faille trench with a lot of flair.

Though to "vary her routine" we all know the 10021 lasses already go to Cluny and those other poseur-central "downtown restaurants when they feel like taking a walk on the wild side" Beatrice or Waverly Inn. I like it fine when they stick to Nello and Amaranth thank you very much. Let's alert the media when they've managed to discover a hidden gem in the East Village.

For today's top five list...

The TOP FIVE FRONT ROW HANDBAGS
5. Balenciaga (classic lariat, the new Work with Giant Gold Hardware and the hardcased boxier shaped handbag)
4. Fendi (Spy bags, buckle bag, the new boxier zip around shaped bag)
3. YSL (the new classic Muse, the new Downtown, the Rive Gauche)
2. Chanel (classic shoulder, the new oversized Coco Cabas, the heavy chain link woven throughout tote)
1. Hermes Birkin

And one last thing: rest in peace Anna Nicole Smith.

Bitter? Bitter COLD I'd say!

I've been accused of being "bitter." The only thing that's bitter is the 20 below arctic chill that is blasting through fashion week. It's hard to be bitter when your job consists of getting paid six figure salaries to look at beautiful clothes and receiving them for free.

So for all of you who think my posts are bitter tirades against the industry, I ask for you to look deep into yourself. Are YOU the one who is in fact bitter? I don't resent other people's successes. I just think that it's odd when a reputable program such as the Today Show hires someone who is as qualified to be a fashion editor as I am qualified to be a "relationship expert." Oh, I'm sorry, that's Dave Zinczenko's job. I love eating at restaurants...perhaps I am now qualified to be an on-air personality for food reviews. Bitter isn't the word. It's moronic.

Let's move on....to today's shows and the first of my TOP FIVE lists for fashion week. While the windchill factor outside continued to "inspire" the fur fashions, nary a Peta protestor still in sight. Everything from broadtail overcoats at Peter Som to a double breasted fur-trimmed satin evening number by Michael Kors (and of course his ever-present giant fur hats) it's fashion for RIGHT NOW. Hard to believe spring and summer is around the corner. Hurray!

I didn't feel inspired until today to write a TOP FIVE list of various topics throughout the week. It was at Proenza Schouler's show that I realized I had found my first topic. (editor's note: I wanted to play it safe and be positive out of the gates...but I just couldn't count to five.) So here goes:

TOP FIVE FASHION VICTIMS
1. Silly curly blonde chic who works at Harper's Bazaar and wears those hideous-ly victimy wedge boots from Vuitton.
2. Glenda Bailey, editrix of aforementioned, she still doesn't know how to put two items of clothing together to not make her look like an oompa-loompa. Please ask one of your staffers to help you! (Just not the person above.)
3. Stylist Lisa Marie Fernandez. The ultimate poseur. Everytime I see one of her hyper-stylized outfits I swear she must polaroid herself and think, "I LOOK AMAZING!" Me think she looks utterly ridiculous. Victimization to the highest degree.
4. Rachel Zoe. The vintage Halston-Missoni-gold jewelry look is becoming old, old, old. And unfortunately when she's not airbrushed, she's looking as vintage as her size 0 threads.
5. Fashion director of Marie Claire, Tracy Taylor. She needs to learn the idea of proportion, why a fur chubbie doesn't work on people under 5 feet tall and why it isn't right to wear every recognizable label on every body part.

Coming soon: Top Five Front Row Handbags and Top Five In Need of A Stylist (and who they should hire)

It's worse than Tinsley in the front row

I don't know about you but I'm pooped from a day of shows and hobnobbing with celebs at the Gramercy Park Hotel after party for Narciso Rodriguez. Okay, so I'm lying...partly lying. I did go to a day's worth of shows but skipped out on Narciso's after party...why, so I can hobnob with Audrina and Lauren from "The Hills"? I can't believe I'm about to say this BUT I'd rather be dining a deux with Tinsley than see the likes of two spoiled rich kids from Laguna Beach who think going to college is a waste of time. Then again theyre learning that you too can be rich and powerful if you drop out of college (think Anna Wintour). Perhaps that's a lesson Teen Vogue is teaching them while they're interning. Speaking of Teen Vogue...I'm casting the movie/SNL version of Audrina and Lauren at the shows in Bryant Park...starring Tiffani Amber Thiessen as Audrina and Christine Taylor as Lauren. Who better to mock the whole thing than Ben Stiller's wife? She did an awfully good job as Marcia Brady...I think she'd be perfect for Lauren. And really, isn't Tiffani in need of a job? At this rate Audrina is more recognizable than Tiffani. But they are both equally as cheesy as the other. WOW. All I can say is at least Heidi isn't there. I think I'd have to go and hurl in the back row.

And, yes, sadly enough, I do watch the show. It's all part of a pathetic reality.

Speaking of Tinsley, there she was front row at Doo.ri with her ringlets and pursed pencil thin lips. I can't wait to see her with the rest of the Ladies Who Lunch at Michael Kors in the morning. It's always a pleasure seeing good old Tins, ice cold Jennifer Creel, plump but personable Marjorie Gubelmann (aren't fat ones ALWAYS personable?), apathetic and hardly Aryan Aerin Lauder and the rest of the personality-less social doyennes. They're hard to miss when they take up half of the front row seats. Maybe Michael's business would be better if he gave the seats to retail buyers instead of those who still insist on "borrowing" clothes when their husbands make upwards of 2 mil a year. Have you ever walked into the boutique on Madison? EMPTY!

Tomorrow it's Michael, Proenza (by the way, the new collection for Target is in stores now...excellent if you like that sort of thing) and Anna Sui among other shows. I really hope the week gets better. So far, not so good. While Marc Jacobs can do no wrong, others like Behnaz (yawn!) and Doo.ri (jersey, jersey, and more jersey...is she taking a cue from her home state?) are sending me to an early state of slumber. I need a wake up call.

Fur is alive and well in NYC

Today is like the first day of school...fashion week school, that is. While fashion week technically started last Friday, the true fashion week (just like any other week) starts on Monday. And Monday means Carolina Herrera at 10 A.M., Oscar at 1 P.M., Marc Jacobs at 8 P.M. and everything in between.

Walking into the tents this morning I couldn't help but observe the amount of roadkill that was attached to fashionistas' bodies in the form of coats, hats, trim, bags, gloves and boots. Today was a sad day for PETA. I was sure they'd find their way into Oscar's show but alas no PETA protestors. And that means no tofu pie-in-the-face for Anna...yet. But that really only happens on the way into the Chloe show at the Tuileries in Paris. Sadly enough, Anna's used to it. Her bodyguards whisk her away covering any form of evidence whenever those feisty anti-fur activists swarm upon her. With the amount of fur-wearing going on today it's truly surprising that something major didn't take place.

At one show I noticed one particular editor wearing a fur coat WITH a fur hat of different origin. WRONG! I don't care if one is ocelot and the other is mink. One mustn't wear fur with fur. It's a fur faux pas, not to be confused with faux fur faux pas.

With temperatures reaching a balmy 22 degrees tomorrow (today was 18 degrees), the sight of fur should be just as prevalent. Of course I'm completely on the fence. I wonder if I should wear tomorrow a knee-length mink or just stick to a sheared beaver-collared coat?

Snejana, it's time for your weigh in

With all the hub bub going on about skinny models and Tyra saying she ain't fat, it'll be interesting to see what the runways will look like. And the under age 16 rule? The no booze rule? It seems like the backstage fashion show is no longer a place that will be serving alcohol to minors. It seems like Bungalow 8 will have to keep up that tradition on its own.

With popular anorexic thin (and possibly underage?) models like Snejana, Sasha and Vlada walking all the major shows last season I wonder if the runways of Oscar, MJ and Narciso will be ripe with fuller-sized walking mannequins.

With sample sizes being practically a zero these days, perhaps this is a good sign. Evening gown runway samples that actually fit real people!

Did you grow or is that hemline too short?

There IS something called tea-length. But I hate to say that the dresses worn by Cate Blanchett (Armani Prive) and Kyra Sedgwick (Herve Leger) at the Screen Actors Guild Awards were not. They just looked, odd, as if the dresses were fitted with other shoes and then the actress decided to wear a different pair at the last minute.

I'm all for skipping the long train. Been there, done that...and it really can be a royal pain dragging that train along and scooting it up from someone trampling on it behind you. But I had some serious issues with that in between tea length and floor length...I'll just call it cankle length. Not that either Cate or Kyra had cankles but if they did...wow, that would have been an even bigger disaster!

It's time for good old fashioned "pret-a-porter."

I'm a big fan of the whole concept of "high-low" fashion. But I'm starting to REALLY tire of the whole "designer for a mass brand" concept. It WAS a concept a few months ago, and definitely a year ago. I loved Behaz's collection for Target. Stella's collection for H&M was surprisingly on point. I'm still looking forward to shopping on line for Proenza Schouler''s line for Target. And Patrick Robinson's newest collection for Target for May deliveries is absolutely adorable! BUT I'VE HAD IT! ENOUGH ALREADY. I loved the idea of high-low fashion but now I'm kinda sick of it. It's oversaturation. Just like Rachel Zoe. When there's too much of "a good thing," or at least something that is "new" then there's always the chance that there's too much of it nowhere fast.

This past week there was an article about Paul Pressler's departure as CEO of the GAP. It talked about how he threw his efforts into two additional brands: Forth & Towne, a mid-range shopping brand and Piperlime, an online footwear site. Unfortunately he should have focused more on his core brands such as GAP, Banana Republic and Old Navy instead of trying to launch new ones. The best thing that came out of the GAP was the Roland Mouret capsule collection. But it's a double-edged sword. This is definitely the wave of the future...these designer collaborations. BUT for fashionistas in the Manhattan area? It's tired, tired, TIRED! I'm ready for something NEW and innovative. I'm ready........for the pret-a-porter collections from DESIGNERS! I almost hate to admit it but I'm looking forward to seeing what Vera, Oscar, Francisco (for Calvin Klein) and others have to show for Fall 2007. Good for me it's just a week away. Who knew I would actually look forward to it?

What did YOU make on ebay last month?

Who needs year-end bonuses when you can earn a bonus on your salary on ebay sales every month? Of course I'm talking about those editors who sell stuff they consider "swag" or items they couldn't resist at a sample sale, not those who actually pilfered from the fashion closet and called it their own.

The other day I heard about this one editor who had sold nearly $5000 in items on ebay at Christmas time. That's like a 10% bonus for someone making the median salary of an associate to mid-range editor. That's like a roundtrip ticket for two to Aspen, 3 nights at the Little Nell and lift tickets for two days! That's like a shopping spree at Barneys including a Balenciaga pair of stovepipe pants, a Dries cropped little jacket, a Marc Jacobs ruffled party dress, Christian Louboutin cork platforms and a monogrammed Goyard piece of luggage!

That's like the usual fashion editor's monthly Visa bill.

It's not a surprise that most fashionistas spend WAY beyond their means. And therefore it's no wonder that many end up hawking their stuff on ebay to pay for it. I like to log on just to see if the contents of my goody bag are on it (often times it is!). When the return is so high, what is the advantage in not continuing to do it?

With fashion week around the corner it'll be interesting to see who people are wearing, what they're carrying and if it's all courtesy of a. designer of the day, b. the fashion closet, or c. the sales at Intermix, courtesy of the ebay sales made during the holidays.

You're on the TODAY show? I was on there yesterday!

These days it seems as if everyone and their mother are "stylists to the stars" or "fashion editors" or "fashion experts." My personal favorite: Bobbie Thomas. She is, of course, the "fashion editor" on the TODAY show. No wonder journalists like Tom Brokaw had to leave. When the TODAY show starts to hire "fashion editors" FOR THE SHOW you know the once reputable news program has gone completely.....

Come on! Let's face it. Who IS Bobbie Thomas? DO you know who she is? She's the fashion editor of LIFE & STYLE magazine. LIFE & STYLE!!! LIFE & STYLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FASHION EDITOR AT LIFE & STYLE!!!!!!!!! Isn't that an oxymoron? She's the fashion editor at Life & Style, yes, that disgusting, tabloid, vermin-infested weekly that can hardly be considered a magazine. Is it just me or do I find it depressing that a once-reputable early morning show has a 17th-rate magazine of a joke with an even more joke of a "fashion department" employee hired as their "fashion editor." What credentials does she have? Has anyone noticed she has the worst style and advice? She's almost as bad as Katie Couric and worse than Ann Curry. She works at LIFE & STYLE! Need I say more? Like they couldn't get a REAL fashion editor at a REAL fashion magazine to contribute on a regular basis. It's so pathetic it's depressing. Especially when you know Bobbie is getting a super fat package of a deal. Yes, she is getting paid money money money!!! to give wayward fashion advice that she has no business giving!

Then of course there's Stacy London of What Not To Wear. Did anyone see her fashion coverage on the TODAY show or pre-Golden Globes? She is the most irritating and the worst when it comes to style and giving fashion advice. She had no taste when she worked in magazines and now she gets paid over and over again to give fashion advice to those less fortunate. And she's on commercials now for Macys. Ca-ching!

There is something about the TODAY show that really is the most depressing. One morning I saw that the owner of Scoop, Stefani Greenfield was on to talk about the trends and do a runway presentation. The completely weird thing about it was that the clothes that were featured on the models were not clothes available at her store! Is it me or is there no synergy going on here? It's as if the TODAY show hires ANYONE to give fashion advice to the million viewers they have without any regard to the person's credibility or appropriateness to the program.

Last time I checked there were actually fashion editors at reputable fashion magazines who could give advice on WHAT TO WEAR. Perhaps the TODAY show producers will finally take a hard look at their so-called talent and figure out who are the fakes and what's the real thing.

How the mighty have fallen....and resurrected at Time Inc.

There was a mass firing at Time Inc last week, where staffers at magazines like People, Fortune, In Style and Time (among others) were axed unceremoniously in what was referred to as "Bloody Thursday." Press reports state that 284 people lost their jobs in an effort to streamline the work force and cut costs by getting rid of those salaries where they could.

In an unrelated event, okay so it IS related, Ariel Foxman, a fallen Conde Nast editor in chief has recently joined Time Inc. as a general editor. It had been reported he was removed from his position at 4 Times Square and is unable to basically ever work in the building again. Which reminds me of other fallen editor-in-chiefs....Kate Betts, formerly ed in chief of Harper's Bazaar and previous to that Anna Wintour's golden child editrix of the popular back section of Vogue called "the index." I wonder where she ended up? Oh that's right...she's at Time Inc. too now as the editor of the fashion magazine that Time magazine puts out called Style and Design. And then there's Mark Golin, the ex ed in chief of Details (yup, he was fired too and the magazine was shut down after that before it was relaunched), another Conde Nast title he too was left to his own devices. And voila...where did he end up? You guessed it! Time Inc.

Perhaps the layoffs at Time Inc. have more to do with affording the inflated salaries of ex-Conde Nasters who had to leave their half million dollar salaries, cars, summer houses in the Hamptons, million dollar townhouses and condos. It IS the good life at CN when you're an ed in chief. But times aren't so rough when six months later (after a nice, long, PAID vacation courtesy of the Conde Nast severence package) that you land back on your Manolo Blahnik (or John Varvatos) heeled feet at Time Inc.

Lesley Jane Seymour and Mandi Norwood, are you listening? Vacation time is over. It's TIME to start thinking about who's gonna pay for that place in Southhampton.

And the Golden Globe goes to...

I think Hollywood needs new stylists. What appeared on the red carpet runway was one of the biggest fashion disaster pile ups I've seen in recent years. It went from ugly to tacky to unwearable in seconds. At this rate I'm going to move out west and make some easy money. These people need help! These stylists are clearly getting paid by these designers to dress these unknowing and unsuspecting celebrities in the most ill-flattering ensembles. With that said, here are my votes for the best, worst and everything in-between:

Worst designers on the red carpet: Marchesa -- for the awful cheap-looking dresses for Jennifer Lopez and Sienna Miller
Worst dresses usually on the red carpet: Elie Saab, including this year's Beyonce
Worst use of a hair accessory: Hilary Swank's diamond floral ornament
Worst use of a paid hair stylist: Vanessa Williams' frizzed out, Jocelyn Wildenstein meets Glenn Close's character from Fatal Attraction hair
Best use of a paid hair stylist: Reese Witherspoon's new banged, blunt, straight blowout
Best use of being a paid spokesmodel of a brand: Angelina Jolie for St. John
Best use of curves: Jennifer Hudson in Vera Wang and America Ferrara in Brian Reyes
Worst dressed to still worst dressed with Rachel Zoe as a stylist: Cameron Diaz in Valentino
Worst dress on best dressed lists: Ellen Pompeo in Versace
Best dress, hair and body: Jennifer Garner in Gucci
Best short dress: Reese Witherspoon in Nina Ricci
Best use of vintage: Renee Zellweger in vintage Dior
Best dress and use of accessories: Helen Mirren in Donna Karan and Chopard
Best use of showing a shapely booty: Emily Blunt in Herve Leger
Best strapless elegance: Kate Winslet in Azzaro
Best use of Grecian white: Ali Larter in Reem Acra
Worst use of Grecian white: Teri Hatcher in Roberto Cavalli and Kyra Sedgwick in J Mendel
Celebrity most in need of a new stylist: Jennifer Love Hewitt -- GIRLFRIEND, YOU NEED INTERVENTION!

NASTY, I tell you!

She IS the quintessential bitch. I wouldn't even put her in asshole territory only because there's a certain female "bitchy" essence to her being. Assholes are somewhat unaware and insecure of their environment and how to interact. In many ways they're sort of socially retarded. That can definitely be said for Karolina and Leslie, the first two assholes I wrote about in my earlier posts. A bitch is a whole other ballgame. She is completely aware and purposeful in her actions. She's sweet and condescending at the same time and will stab you in the back as soon as you turn around. I wouldn't use "bitch" to describe too many fashionistas but there's one that easily comes to mind. It's hard to believe she actually has a CHILD! I feel sorry for the poor thing to have a mother who is so two-faced. I never realized until recently how incredibly shallow and calculating she was. I CANNOT wait to see what nasty things she has up her YSL sleeves....

The countdown has begun...

I'm starting to break out into hives. It's less than a month before NY fashion week begins for the Fall 2007 collections. I know: most of you would give your first born to attend these shows. I apologize profusely for being so insensitive to your wants and desires. BUT PEOPLE, THIS IS HELL WEEK FOR WEEKS ON END!

I swear on my Bible that I will post as regularly as possible. Hard to do when you've had a few cocktails at the end of a busy fashion week night! But really, I will try to show you why NY fashion week is the beginning of an improbable three weeks of utter ridiculousness. I mean...

The drama: "I CANNOT believe they put me in the THIRD row when so-and-so who's NOT EVEN A FUCKING EDITOR and works at BLAH BLAH BLAH is in the SECOND row!"

The ass-kissing: "Hi! Oh my God I L-O-V-E your dress. Oh My God! It's, like, totally A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.. I mean, did they like, send it to you? I am SOOOOOO jealous. I SOOOOO want your job. Can I, like, come work for you?"

The insecurity: "Did my delivery come in from Michael Kors? What? I need to get the samples I requested!!! I can't possibly attend NY fashion week with clothes from LAST SEASON! Get on the phone with Billy and find out WHERE THE FUCK MY CLOTHES ARE!!!"

I know YOU can't wait.....me? I'm not ready.

The celebrity next door

Being in fashion I've had my fair share of hobnobbing with various levels of celebrity-dom. Cocktails with Drew Barrymore? Check. Dinner soirees with Sarah Jessica Parker? Check. Walking down the red carpet thisclose to Renee Zellweger? Check. Ok, so maybe I'm in the same room as these women and often not actually dining a deux but nonetheless, they are in total close proximity and there have been times where I've engaged in lengthy conversations with these actors. One thing I can tell you for sure: I'm not impressed.

The idea of celebrities being "just like one of us" began a while ago...when People magazine was the only one putting them on their covers on a semi-regular basis (of course alongside those "boring" human interest "real people" covers). Of course now US Weekly has a whole section called "They're just like US!" which shows different celebrities caught in very human acts such as shopping for groceries, getting a parking ticket, eating a sandwich at an outdoor cafe. But of course they REALLY aren't like us because we're not getting photographed by stalkerazzi and the photos being sold for 5 figure sums to be placed in a magazine.

To address one reader of ViewFromTheFourthRow who wants celebrity covers to go away. Sorry, Charlie, Trix is for Kids. Okay so I'm mixing up commercial slogans; what I'm trying to say is that celebrities are here to stay. Yes, Anna may shoot Kate Moss or Linda Evangelista or even Gemma Ward for a cover here and there but she ain't stupid. RESEARCH, TONS AND TONS of research goes into finding out what cover subjects sold at the newsstand...and guess what? Yes, my dear and loyal readers: celebrity sells. Guess who's the leader at the newsstand? Yup, that vacuous, untalented, one-note actress previously married to Maddox's father. Why do you think all these magazines feature her all the time? Because she's sooooo freakin' talented? Wake up! Just like sex sells, celebrities who look like they could be "your friend," yes, the ubiquitous "girl next door" are the go-to girls when your newsstand sales are in a slump. Contrary to what you may think, Angelina herself is not a tried and true cover. Most of America find her way too dark and therefore she's not the choice to get your numbers up. But Reese, Sandra, Drew. Easy money.

Gone are the days of Amber Valletta, Shalom Harlow and Nadja Auermann month in, month out. You'll be lucky if you even get two model covers in a year from any of the major fashion mags anymore. I mean even Self and Lucky are jumping on the celebrity bandwagon. At this rate Ford Modeling agency will have to shutter its doors.

I'm kidding. Puh-leeze!

Too bad Prada means Prada in every language

Who doesn't cheat a little on their corporate expense accounts? A taxi here, a nice meal there....it's all a bit innocuous. Okay, so in reality it's a crime but really, who's REALLY watching anyway?

To go back to the Ugly Betty episode for instance....who knows if the writer knew the real story about a certain editor who submitted an expense report that had a certain beauty treatment (read: plastic surgery) on it? Of course in reality this editor was let go from her cushy place of employment but then found herself gainfully employed at yet another fashion magazine months later. In fashion it's like a slap on the wrist but to make up for the pain it may have caused they slip an Hermes cuff on it to make it not hurt so much.

I heard this one story about an editor from yesteryear....that means for you young'uns born post 1985, these are the editors who were working at magazines when you were barely toilet trained. Remember, the eighties, the early nineties...we're talking Reagonomics. Times were good, champagne was flowing and corporate expense accounts were fat, fat, fat! There wasn't anything called "a budget." So for a certain editor taking a trip to Paris for the ready-to-wear shows it was the perfect opportunity to do some home redecoration. Ahhhh, Paris. Who can pass up a trip to "les puces," the famed flea markets at Clignancourt and Saint-Ouen. A refurbished late 18th century chandelier for $250, a farmhouse wooden kitchen table for $150, an enamel-inlaid wrought iron bed frame and headboard for $400? A receipt with the generic imprint of "Carre de quatre points." or "Petit champs de mer." or "Les grands augustins." I mean, really, is the T&E department going to question whether that's a restaurant or a shop? Yes, folks, this editor was submitting receipts from furniture stores and the like on their expense reports. It was a good run for as long as it lasted...probably enough for a household (or two). But when the party ends, it ends rather abruptly.

I don't know anyone who's stupid enough to submit a Prada or Gucci receipt to their expenses but I'm sure it happens once in a while. Greed IS the same in every language.

Swag: the Ugly Betty way

I have a new guilty pleasure: the TV show Ugly Betty. And for the unitiated, tonight's episode was definitely the perfect one for me to watch. The title? "Swag," about a fashion closet being cleaned out of all its contents to make way for the new season's worth of clothes and accessories. With the opening shot of assistants and editors trampling poor Betty to raid the closet, it begs for various points of reference in the real world of fashion...

The first point: there is swag and then there are samples. Swag arrives all the time in the shape of a shirt, cd, bag, etc...to even a goody bag. This is free stuff that frankly you can do whatever you want with. Take it home, put it on the giveaway table, save it for your nanny or maid at Christmas time (of course you don't really have to because at Christmas you'll have enough extra swag to give to your maid and nanny as well as for all your friends' and neighbors' maids, nannies, hairdressers, doormen, postal workers, sister-in-laws, manicurists...you get the message).

Samples...well that's an entirely different story. Samples are housed in what is called "the closet." Just like in Ugly Betty, just like in The Devil Wears Prada. But one thing on TV that is NOT a reality: There is NEVER a ceremonious "emptying" of a fashion closet to make way for new things. As each sample arrives at a magazine, it is checked in, placed on a rack or shelf and then either picked for a shoot or returned to the vendor. When the season ends these samples are wrangled up by each fashion company and then sold at a discount price at what is familiarly known as a "sample sale."

What was shown on TV is what looks more like a sample sale. Or it resembles the mass hysteria that takes place when the only department that partakes in ceremonious emptying of its wares...the beauty closet....holds its quarterly purge of products. Of course in the real world all the lotions and potions are priced at a buck a piece and magazines make generous donations to female-oriented charities. In Ugly Betty? It's a free-for-all. If life was really all that glamorous!

Which brings me to another point. If a magazine such as Mode on Ugly Betty had a free-for-all of old samples, including a current season Gucci, there would be hell to pay! Such is the case for a few, greedy editors, one who was at W, another at Marie Claire, who sold or "lost" current samples (read: sold or stole). Let's just say they were escorted out of the buildings stat.

And then there's the recent assistant beauty editor who called in expensive products for a bogus shoot so she could sell it on ebay. Instant termination from the Conde Nast building.

Of course what Ugly Betty does in her fictitious way...it's a hoot. When Betty *spoiler alert!* sells her real Gucci to the pharmacist and bank rolls her father's prescription, gets a fake Gucci from her ex and then sells that one to a snotty, gay male co-worker...well, it's priceless retribution.

The other story line on Ugly Betty was about expense reports. Classic. There's so much juice to talk about that one that I'll have to save it for another post. Let's just say that *spoiler alert!* putting plastic surgery on one's corporate card isn't something that Hollywood made up. But good for them for revealing the true, "ugly" underbelly of the fashion magazine world. Hooray for Ugly Betty!

5, 4, 3, 2, 1....Happy New Year!

If you're like most of the fashion population in NYC, you've long fled the crowded streets of Manhattan (and icky Times Square) and made your way to someplace warmer or much colder. The destination choices? Why of course that depends on your Conde Nast paycheck, your social standing and your degree of needing to be "in the mix." So a brief rundown...

5. Your typical blond-ish, WASP-y Ralph Lauren with Lily Pulitzer wearing editor will find herself flying south to Palm Beach where they can join the homogenous crowd already there since mid-December.

4. Your Marni-wearing "folksy" heroine will find herself at her house in Columbia or Ulster county entertaining various artist friends who are living off their trust funds and are "embracing" their real passion of painting, landscaping and the such.***

3. Your big pimpin' fashionable friends will find themselves hitching a free ride on a private jet aimed for St. Bart's or Mustique. With P. Diddy close by, natch....or Donatella of course.

2. Your Hanukkah-celebrating fashionistas will be heading to South Beach in Miami via spending time with the folks or grandparents in Boca Raton.

And last but not least....
1. Your single fashionistas with cash to burn will be heading with family to Jackson Hole to ski, to Dubai to shop or if you're a fabulous gay man: to Rio to soak up the sun....and uh, the culture.

*** If not at their house upstate, they're in Tulum, Mexico doing yoga.

And yours truly? Well, I'm certainly not in spitting distance of New York, Miami or Aspen. I hate yoga, not thisclose to the Puff and well, not gay or Jewish either. Where does that leave me? Content, relaxed if not a tad cold.

Wherever you may be, hope you have a happy new year!

I'll trade my cashmere scarf for a block of Parmesan

Talking with various fashion editors the consensus is that:
1. Christmas gifting started late, and
2. Christmas gifting isn't so great this year

Okay, I know that we're lucky to even be faced with getting gifts at all....I mean there are those who will never even see the amount of gifts that come through our offices in their whole lifetime times 5. If you want to get down to business: it's just an overflowing consumption of material possessions. And of course there's the whole issue of thank you note writing. It's endless. You face the, "Do I have to write a thank you note for a key chain?" And then there's the, "Who sends a gift without a card? Who do I send the note to?" Then of course there are those who don't even bother: "It's their way of saying thank you to us. I mean, they're not going to really read these notes, are they?"

There's such a mass hysteria involved that you're faced with just trying to open as many as possible and clear room in your office space. It's not about savoring or appreciating the idea that someone thoughtfully wrapped a gift and had it sent to your office via messenger. When you've just opened ten gifts, fifteen new ones seem to arrive in their place within minutes. I don't know how many times I had assistants, interns and the like walking over to me with new shopping bags, big and small with my name and ribbons festooned. It's heart-pounding entertainment; you're curious what just arrived but also feeling overwhelmed because you just spent the last half hour clearing space in your area and now you have new arrivals which are making you feel claustrophobic.

As they say, one person's trash is another person's treasure. With that said, I can attest to that in full spirit during the mad holidays in fashion. As you peruse the beauty editor's gifts, then the accessories editor's gifts and then the fashion editor's gifts....they truly run the gamut from sublime (Hermes cashmere blanket anyone?) to the, "Why even bother spending the money to send this?" (vinyl lipstick holder). But one person's berry-colored cashmere scarf (that matches perfectly with someone down the hall's new coat) is perfectly tradable for let's say, someone's half pound block of Italian parmesan cheese.

So I know you're dying to know....Donna, Ralph, Calvin? Only the latter did I receive something and well,....

The Italians? Haven't received Prada or Fendi...Gucci....well,....

And finally the French: Chanel, Dior, Vuitton? Let's just say that it must have been a good year for Chanel...and that means a good Christmas for us.

Happy holidays.

It's a week before Christmas, where are my gifts?

I'm not going to lie. You've got to be a moron if you quit your job as a fashion editor before the holidays. But I must admit: this year the xmas bounty is just not coming in as usual and expected. A coffee table book here, a donation made to a charity in your name there, a dozen baked goods here and a cashmere cardigan there...it's not the typical plentiful holiday extravaganza. I've only schlepped a few things home...everything else is still at work or about to be put on the give away table (yes, that's what editors do with various cast offs such as t-shirts, beauty products, candles, ill-fitting sweaters, hat and glove sets....you get the picture).

I'm still waiting for the big guns: Ralph, Donna, Calvin. And then the Italian trifecta: Prada, Gucci and Fendi. Then of course how could we forget our French threesome: Chanel, Dior and Vuitton. Ok, so there's still another week left. I'll keep you posted.

Crackberry: it's worse than heroin

Okay, so I have to admit: I've never done heroin. So I might not be as super cool as you think I am but frankly I have yet to stick a syringe of heroin in my vein. Call me a nerd, it's okay. But I have to say in fashion circles there is something even more addictive than heroin, more alluring than a Manolo Blahnik sample sale and yes, more annoying than any Jennifer Aniston flick on Netflix: the crackberry.

I don't know how many times I have been out with friends, colleagues or business people and the crackberry is a third, fourth or fifth wheel. It takes up its own space, conversation and time. Sometimes I wonder why I even show up at places where a crackberry is going to be permanently affixed to that person's hand. Even in polite company I have asked numerous times for people to put it away while we're dining, at a concert, at a funeral, a wedding, an abortion clinic, a baby shower, a polo match....need I say more?

It's bad enough that cell phones were invented and that people can contact you ALL THE TIME. But now with crackberries, people can also email you whenever they want and those who are so insecure that they don't know what to do without their trusty crackberries must reply within seconds of receiving the message. As if it couldn't wait until the next day...or perhaps even the next hour.

I long for the days when people communicate through snail mail....yup, that trusty division known as the US Postal Service. My advice? Invest in some old fashioned stationery and get your point across that way.

Roland Mouret for the Gap: Going, going, GONE!

Roland Mouret's collection for the Gap was certainly a success judging by the sold out status at some of the Gap stores in NYC within the first half hour. It's amazing how these "high-low" collaborations have become THE bona fide message of how fashion truly has hit the masses. How many of you are out there?

There's the present: Viktor & Rolf for H&M, Rafe for Target, Behnaz for Target and Roland Mouret for the Gap; the future: Kate Moss for Top Shop, Proenza Schouler for Target; and the past: Stella McCartney for H&M and of course, the mother lode of mother lodes: Karl Lagerfeld for H&M. THAT, my friends, was a true fashion feeding frenzy and I'm not talking about the actual store on Fifth Avenue. I WENT TO THE PRESS PREVIEW SALE THE NIGHT BEFORE THE COLLECTION WAS AVAILABLE TO THE PUBLIC!

I remember taking a car to the H&M event. It was a brisk night in November of 2004. A select number of editors were invited to pre-shop the collection in a space above their Soho store. There was a person outside with a clipboard checking off names and once you went upstairs there were hoards of editors in a complete shopping frenzy. It was like a mini store with workers refilling the racks and shelves -- it was like a bottomless closet. And then there were the lines! The line for the dressing room AND the line to pay. Impatient editors looked at the line to buy and some abandoned their Karl Lagerfeld face t-shirts and black tulle cocktail dresses as they beelined for the exit. Then there were the others: the ones who just scooped up one of almost everything, DIDN'T try anything on and just waited in line to buy. These were the smart ones. They were probably the editors who went on ebay and posted everything and sold them for at least triple their ticket price. I know of people who made THOUSANDS of dollars selling everything from the $25 t-shirts to the $150 black sequined blazer for something like $300 for the t-shirt and $600 for the blazer! It was tempting to say the least but I had to admit I LOVED my white t-shirt with the black and red sketch drawing of Karl. The goody bag included a black t-shirt with the face, some sunglasses and this black messenger-like flat bag. I still have the exclusive "Karl Lagerfeld for H&M" emblazoned black garment bag that my purchases came in: a t-shirt, blouse, sequined blazer, white tuxedo shirt among other things. Yes, I was a sucker and bought quite a few things. I've never worn the sequined blazer and I hardly wear any of it actually. But I know that these are valuable items -- these were way before their time. Fast forward two years later and all these collaborations are happening. But I'm not shopping for them anymore...for now. I only need to look into my own closet and see my pioneer purchases from that first H&M capsule collaboration along with my real Karl Lagerfeld for Chanel jackets, Narciso Rodriguez skirts and Marni tops -- that'll remind me that I have enough high and low in my closet to last me for a lifetime....or at least until February when the spring Proenza for Target line hits stores.

If it's almost December, it must be spring...or is it pre-fall?

In the fashion world the seasons literally fly by in a matter of weeks at a time. It only seems like yesterday we were in Milan looking at spring 2007 fashions down the runway. It was October and of course once we got back to the states it was just the beginning of sweater season and full autumnal weather. Now that it's November we're in full swing spring -- working on our fat March issues -- usually the first full-blown issue dedicated to spring fashions. But with everyone trying to scoop everyone else it seems like every fashion magazine now shows spring fashions starting in December issues and sometimes even in November ones. I just glanced at one of them (a December issue) and there were full-on spring fashion spreads. How did I miss Christmas when it's still only November?

Today I popped into Bergdorf Goodman to, yes, check out the shoe sale on 2. There were literally wall-to-wall women, racks of shoes, shelves of boots and shopping bags filling the crowded aisles. I eyed a notebook print Prada platform sandal reduced to still an obscene price...isn't it crazy that only two months ago these were THE SHOES of the moment and were featured in all the magazines? And now, not even December, these fall fashions are being "moved out" to make way for spring...to arrive....LAST WEEK! Yup, it's November and spring has already arrived in stores. Or as the retailers like to call "resort," "pre-spring," or "spring 1."

What's an editor to do? Well, of course, move even more way ahead of time...and look at pre-fall 2007. YES, PRE-FALL 2007. In November! Yes, it's true...in the midst of working on spring issues, bundling up in arctic cold temperatures of autumn (though that's not entirely true right now as NYC is in the middle of a semi-heat wave with temperatures hovering around 60 degrees!), finding all fall fashions including winter coats and boots on sale, AND WE'RE NOT EVEN TECHNICALLY IN WINTER YET we are about to go into "market" and look at what the designers are doing for PRE-FALL. Next week Oscar de la Renta among others is even doing a show! What I want to know is: Where did my summer go?

But if there's one thing that can assure you that it's November and that Christmas is right around the corner? Today was the tree-lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Center. And that's plenty enough to remind me that it's autumn and we're heading fast into official winter season. Bundle up.

Pregnancy and the Voguette

There's a certain editor who just recently returned from her maternity leave. Like others who were pregnant previously at her magazine, I think she came back to work in less than 3 months time....more like 2 months. And like the girls before her, she gained the minimal 20 pounds or so and then came back to work weighing less than they did when they were pre-pregnancy. Not to say they don't look terrific...they do. It's just a bit sad because I wonder what the pressure is to come back to work as soon as possible AND skinnier than ever. Unfortunately it doesn't happen like that at all other magazines. It only seems to happen at this certain publication.

There are certainly perks when your pregnancy coincides with working at a magazine. The baby shower is kind of ridiculous. From Ralph Lauren baby cashmere sweaters to tiny Tod's driving mocs to all the Mustela baby beauty products your beauty department can shell out of the closet, fashion babies are totally set. Not to mention all the Bonpoint outfits your co-workers bring back from the Paris shows. Too bad these editors hardly see their own children. Then again many New York kids are raised by their nannies whose first language is usually not English (apparently the Philippino nanny is the best kind). But going back to the editors not seeing their kids. Often times you hear of these editors who don't even know how to bathe their kids as they have nannies do it every night including on the weekends (when the weekend nanny comes). A weekend nanny? Why have a child if you don't even spend time with them on the weekend? But at least they look damn good, right? Because after all, that's all that matters...

She'd be cool if it was made by Champion

It's hard to be an individual in fashion when everyone is shopping for almost the same things. But with that said there are varying degrees of fashion victimization. I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure that I WAS awake and REALLY hearing what I thought I overheard. Sorry for the bad English but I think you know what I mean.

In fashion circles, there are those who:
A. wear the "cool' designer items right off the runway with shoes to match
B. wear the "cool" designer items with other high-end designer items and accessories
C. wear the "cool" designer items with low-end merch to give it that high and low look
D. wear the "cool" designer items with items that look like low-end merch but need to point out that the t-shirt, oxford, khaki pant, loafer, etc is actually some brand-name label or something completely obscure

The type A crowd is hardly the norm but there are surprisingly quite a handful of editors who do not know how to style themselves whatsoever. They only know how to wear the Prada skirt with the Prada top and Prada shoes that were shown as look #17.

Type Bs are status-label snobs who only want their closets to be filled with Lanvin, Marni, Prada, Dries Van Noten, YSL, old Tom Ford Gucci and Chloe. Therefore the dress is by Prada, the ballet flats Lanvin, the coat YSL and the necklace by Marni.

Then there are the type Cs. She's the one who's wearing the Prada dress with an American Eagle long-sleeved t-shirt underneath, a Vanessa Bruno jacket, Delman ballets and a Swatch watch.

Now to explain the type Ds. I didn't really know what it was until I witnessed it firsthand. I must begin to first state that I liked this person. I don't mean to say it in the past tense but it occured to me that after what she said I really kind of lost all respect (or taking her seriously) and now just think she's kind of pathetic like the rest of the fashionistas I know.

Okay...the story...she was talking to her friend about "the new casualness" of fashion and how it's about effortless chic and not looking like you're trying too hard. She then pointed to herself. She was wearing a black silk pleated-front dress (possibly Lanvin or Vera Wang or something like that) with a hoodie sweatshirt in gray cotton. And I thought, "That's really kind of cool that she's wearing like an Old Navy sweatshirt with that dress....it IS effortless chic!"

But then she opened her mouth. "I mean wearing a dress like this with a number nine hoodie just seems so right for right now as opposed to some structured jacket."

I didn't even know what to think. What the fuck was a number nine hoodie? What was number nine? Low and behold, it's some obscure fashion brand...I think it's a men's line....I just googled it....but really, does anyone care?

She obviously took great pride in telling her friend that she wasn't wearing any ORDINARY sweatshirt...IT WAS A NUMBER NINE! It just pained me to think that this bright, intelligent woman was so caught up with herself and her knowledge of random fashion. Why would anyone point out "number nine" otherwise? Wouldn't one just say, "A silk dress looks so much more current with a hoodie than a structured jacket."

I'm going to one up her and order myself a hoodie sweatshirt from my alma mater. Maybe then I'll start some new trend.

She really IS an asshole, PART DEUX!

Let's talk about Leslie....that's the made up name for a girl who is the poster child of fashion victim meets self-indulgent, insecure social climber. I'm sorry, but I think I just described about 50% of the people I work with in fashion on a daily basis.

Anyway, today was a day filled with events encompassing both HIGH and LOW fashion....but in some ways it was both High and High. Today was both the Proenza Schouler for Target collection press event as well as the "intimate" supper for Consuelo Castiglioni, the designer of Marni, at BG, the restaurant of Bergdorf Goodman.

Between mini crabcake hors d'oeuvres and mini bomber jackets in ripstop nylon at the Proenza event I glanced around the room and couldn't help but notice Leslie. There she was bouncing from one editor "friend" to another meandering her way to the jackass publicist who we'll just refer to as "Pierre." This is a guy, French, who has been in the business for quite some time and has quite the stable of respectable fashion clientele. But they weren't kidding when they said that the French were rude, condescending and arrogant. Those are all words I would use to describe "Pierre." Today was no different when I noticed him paying no attention to editors who weren't from Conde Nast. I mean the guy was sucking up big time to Amy Astley, Teen Vogue's editor-in-chief. He certainly does know where his bread is buttered.

But going back to Leslie, there she was in all her pathetic glory walking around with that smug look on her face. I hate to say it but sometimes I just look at her and think, "This is the girl in high school who was the big nerd, ass kisser who no one really liked but in college reinvented herself, was still uncool but then graduated and went into fashion where no one knew any better." It almost physically pains me to be in the same room as her. She is always wearing a mini dress that barely covers her ass, thinking she looks like a runway model. I'm sorry but if you're going to wear something THAT short PLEASE don a pair of tights....I don't want to see your crotch, underwear (which I did see one time at a fashion show when I sat across from her at the Gucci cruise collection at Milk Studios) or....I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK OF THE HORROR!

The collection was pretty damn good. From the palm frond print summer dresses to Flashdance 80s/prepster gray sweatshirt tops there were amazing separates ALL PRICED UNDER $70! There's one top that is corsetted and stitched just like something from their own runway collection. It's ridiculous! The collection will become available starting in February. Put a reminder on your Crackberry or cell or Outlook calendar....this is something not to be missed!

Later in the evening I popped on by the Marni dinner at BG. There I saw the usual suspects of a. fashion glitteratti (editors from various magazines and Bergdorf execs), b. hanger-ons (ex-editors and pr people who are now "freelance") and c. "I've got nothing better to do with my time" socialites who would actually CHOOSE to go to BG at 8pm on a school night just so they can be photographed by Patrick McMullen and other vermin paparazzi.

Of course many were dressed in their Marni best....or at least their best Marni outlet purchase (see post from 11/7). And again there was Leslie in her "up to her crotch" mini dress and Tori Spelling-like blank expression on her face. Remember this is a girl who refers to the people who work with her as "HER STAFF" or "MY TEAM." Puh-leeze. She needs to go and stay in the fourth row forever.

The Marni dinner turned out to be an a la carte buffet and everyone fell into their separate cliques. Pretentious and pretty, downtown and dirty, Upper East Side and updos, West Village and wayward. Ok, so maybe that's an exaggeration but the tables were definitely segregated while other just continued to mingle and stand.

As I was leaving I couldn't help but overhear Leslie, noticing a fellow fashionista's outfit lean over and coo: "Ooohhh I love your dress....WHOSE IS IT?"

Attention: Glenda and Joanna! Barneys want their clothes back and Hearst needs to revamp!

Even the most fashionably-challenged know that one shouldn't wear volume OVER volume (to avoid looking like a big Oompa-Loompa). Or how about wearing that all too familiar item of clothing that screams "VICTIM, VICTIM!" before one even turns the corner?

Well, my friends, it seems as if the advice doled out in NY's most glossy fashion magazines could begin starting the lessons at home. Yup, you guessed it...we're talking about editor-in-chiefs of major fashion magazines WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET DRESSED IN THE MORNING.

It's quite sad, actually, seeing these grown thirty-, forty-, fifty-something women who dress either 1. not age appropriately, 2. in outfits bad for their body type, and 3. in clothes that they clearly are uncomfortable wearing.

First case scenario: Glenda Bailey from Harper's Bazaar. She could use a major overhaul. While she may not be the most attractive, fashionable woman out there, she could learn from the advice she gives out almost on a monthly basis of what to wear at every age. A curvaceous woman with the skin tone of a cadaver, well, she could begin by making sure she wears hosiery or opaque tights on a regular basis. Or at least use a smidgen of self-tanner. Then there's the hair. A nice shaping would do: cut the length and go for a more polished, sportier 'do as opposed to a Wicked Witch of the West mass of uneven curls/frizz. If I could only have her as my pet project! What I could do for her! On to the clothes....first, I'd get rid of all the flowey Lanvin and a-line Prada clothes and put her in more tailored pieces. I mean we're talking about someone who wears a tiered, flowey black skirt with a Victorian, poufed and ruffled blouse with a cropped a-line shaped jacket. I just don't get it. She has a team of editors who work under her. No one can figure out how to dress her? But then again at a fashion show I observed the Harper's Bazaar team: volume, volume over volume, mini with victim boots, black opaque tights with victim glitter sandals (a repeat offender this woman as well). It's truly the blind leading the blind. At this rate, they'll drive the magazine even more into the ground and it'll cease to exist. Frankly no one would care anymore because we all don't read it.

Second case scenario: Joanna Cole from Marie Claire. Ok, so she's only been in the position for a few months so she's not quite used to the fashion scene. I mean, she came from MORE. But like Glenda, she's a Brit and it seems hard to believe that the same country who brought you Kate Moss, Sienna Miller and James Bond could churn out editor-in-chiefs without a fashion clue. Poor Joanna. All during fashion week we saw her in that divine khaki, ruffled Viktor & Rolf trench. Too bad the trench was WEARING HER! She seemed so obviously uncomfortable with that extremely show-stopping fashion item that it was painful to watch her enter each fashion show. The collar was up so high she seemed to be choking and suffocating for air. Way too stiff for a lass such as herself. Needless to say, she also has the unfortunate luck of having underlings (ok, one specific underling) who have as much fashion sense as I have a pair of testicles. Joanna Cole: this is your wakeup call. You must get rid of that fashion joke you have employed as your fashion director. Everyone in the business laughs and mocks at her....are you that unaware? She may kiss your ass so it's hard to notice but beware: she knows she'll never get a job in this town again if you let her go. She's the magazine's chief stylist? STYLE-LESS is more like it. Do yourself a favor and hire a real stylist who can help you and the magazine before it really goes down the toilet (as the aforementioned Harper's Bazaar).

Socialites=Death to NYC

The other week I was at a Banana Republic fashion show....yes, THAT Banana Republic....and as I walked in there were blinding paparazzi blocking me from getting to my front row seat. All I could think was, "Where the fuck am I?"

One week of New York fashions, two and half weeks abroad in Milan and Paris....well, you'd think the smart publicist wouldn't schedule some fashion show post-European hell. But we can't be so lucky. So alas here I was at the Banana Republic fashion show for spring 2007 at the Puck Building down on Lafayette and Houston.

I am making my way through the throngs of editors, pr people, cameramen....and then....Tinsley Mortimer. I'm sorry but I live in New York so I unfortunately know this person (or at least what she looks like). For those of you who live outside NYC you might not know who this absolute poseur is. To tell you the truth I don't really know WHO or WHAT she is. All I know is that she has a particularly WASP-y sounding name, is blond, wears her hair in ringlet curls and does nothing of notice except take space at fashion shows and events throughout NYC. The paparazzi love her for her shameless self promotion (of what?), Patrick McMullen practically leaps over your brand new "so over" YSL Muse bag to snap her photo and those in the know peer at her sadly thinking, "Do you really have nothing better to do than sit front row on a school night to look at nameless fashion that you will never purchase....EVER?"

While River at the John Frieda salon (or whoever places those snausage-like curls on her long blond locks) toils away for hours on her hair and makeup artists who charge upwards of $250/hour paint her a new, less painful face to look at, Tinsley (yes, I believe that IS her real name....sad, isn't it?) sits in her front row seat tirelessly awaiting the groundbreaking spring 2007 collection from the design team at Banana Republic. I don't think she looked up once from pecking at her Crackberry.

Of course all I can think is: What is she doing here? There are real people, like myself, who are trying to get their job done by attending these shows. People like Tinsley? Self-promotion and insecurity. "If I get my picture taken by photographers I MUST BE IMPORTANT!" To steal a line from Mr. T: "I pity the fool."

Tinsley (and Jennifer Creel, Marjorie Gubelmann, Shoshanna Lonstein, et al...): please leave our place of employment alone and tend to those charitable organizations that can use your inherited or married money. DON'T SHIT WHERE WE WORK.

I love Paris in the springtime

To quote a famous Cole Porter song sung by the legendary Ella Fitzgerald....
While it wasn't quite springtime, we WERE looking at spring 2007.
And after a forgettable New York season, a barely passable Milan week, I have to say....I love Paris in the springtime.

Paris collections are like no other. It's ingenious, theatrical, gorgeous and magical at times. Ingenious at Dior (the crazy hair), theatrical at McQueen (a circle theatre with a quartet playing live), gorgeous at Dries (with the backdrop of pink roses) and magical at Chalayan (with the disappearing acts of clothing). Once I learn how to upload photos and do links, I will do so.

It's hard to be miserable in a city whose architecture is awe-inspiring. And when the weather is mid-60s, sunny and bright...well, it's hard not to get mixed up and think it is actually Paris in the springtime.

Spring fashions brought out some new spring flowers...both on the runway and off. As mentioned, Dries Van Noten had a beautiful wall fresco backdrop of pink roses or some sort of flower. It was incredible. YSL had a runway made of flowers. While it made for a gorgeous, picturesque scenario, it was mad hell for the models in stiletto heels! I'm surprised none of the models got their heel trapped in the dirt, ensnarled in the roots of a violet and then BAM! Falling flat on her face! It actually didn't happen. The one time it almost happened was when Stefano Pilati came out for his bow....HE TRIPPED AND ALMOST FELL.

Ironically, similar to an old YSL season, there were the flower fashions at Giambattista Valli. Dresses overflowing with floral motifs. Big poufy floral dresses. While some looked fresh, most looked outdated and all too familiar....which brings us to the flowers off the runway. Wilted flowers, maybe.

Standing (arriving late) at the YSL show were none other than new BFFs Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham and Katie Holmes, aka "Kate" Holmes, according to Tom. Or I guess we can call her "Suri's Mom." She is one tall girl. Tom really likes 'em tall. Victoria is one skinny, boney thing. I also saw her at the Proenza Schouler show (sitting with Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher) with a top "down to there" exposing her skeletal collarbone and fake boobs. AND she was wearing elbow length leather gloves.

Anyway, back to our wilted flowers off the runway. Victoria and Kate. Who would have thunk it? They dined "ensemble" at the Roger Vivier private editors dinner at Alain Senderens at Lucas Carton, the acclaimed 3 star Michelin restaurant at the Place de Madeline. There they sat with Nina Garcia, Project Runway's own judge (it all comes full circle...in my blog dated 8/31/06 I mentioned Nina should be played by Eva Longoria in the movie version). While they served a quiche-sized portion of foie gras to each guest, Victoria "anorexic" Beckham opted for a green salad with no dressing instead. The main course? Lamb or fish and Victoria chose a fish grilled with "no oil." Guess who picked and didn't eat? Maybe David likes 'em skinny and gaunt.

The next day they appeared at Giambattista Valli. Kate was in a black strapless full length gown with sunglasses and hair pulled back into a bun...AT A 12 NOON SHOW! This is a FASHION EMERGENCY!

It was at Giambattista Valli that I saw Leslie, the asshole mentioned in a previous blog (8/24/06). As I mentioned she landed herself yet another job. While it is a bona fide job, it's definitely at a tier 4 or 5 magazine. Why she's attending the European shows I'll never understand.

Talk about the view from the fourth row. She'd just plunk herself down in the second row at any show while her ticket would read "row infinity and beyond." Ok, so maybe it was the 6th or 7th row...and ok, maybe she did EVENTUALLY MOVE BACK TO HER PROPER ROW...but more often than not I caught her trying to upgrade more than once and even when she moved out of the second row she'd only move two rows back EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THREE OR FOUR ROWS BACK!

Ahhh...I love Paris in the springtime.

A long, (not so) strange trip it's been...

First of all my apologies. I had every intention of writing about the collections in New York, Milan and Paris on a semi-regular basis. But I have to admit, New York fashion week KICKED MY ASS! I don't know if it's because I'm older but I was freaking tired every night that I couldn't deal with blogging. Or maybe it was because the NYC season SUCKED big time. Ok, minus the Pachelbel Canon streaming, Wizard of Oz-ish bright green meandering runway that was Marc Jacobs (can MJ do no wrong?), the poppy flower and ultra elegant, with 50s style bouffant hairdos at Oscar de la Renta and the "Oh my God, I want to personal order that...and that...and THAT" collection by Derek Lam, NY was a bore.

So let's move onto Milan.

I'd love to wax poetic about the "blush of poudre," "lush Treviso," "rosy Petra" and other various pretentious words describing shades of pink listed in the run of show folder for Bottega Veneta (Ok, I'm not kidding! These are actual words Tomas Meier, the designer, used to describe his spring 2007 collection. I mean....) but I'm afraid I'd run out of space....so instead, let's talk about what's really on your mind about what fashionistas really care about in Milan:

1. When can I get to the Marni outlet?
2. Where the fuck is my car?
3. Am I really going to Le Langhe again?
4. Could it be any hotter in this fucking __________________show?
Fill in the blank with: Alberta Ferretti, Roberto Cavalli
5. How can I get the tartufo pasta fed to me intravenously?

I know you've been waiting for TWO MONTHS to get the lowdown....don't blow your wad in one fell swoop....here we go....

1. The Marni outlet (via Tajani, 1) is like Mecca, Jerusalem or the Vatican. Many have been known to touch down at Milan's Malpensa airport and immediately be whisked by their car and driver to bypass checking into a hotel but instead check out the numerous items available at this fashionable outpost. Ok, I have to admit I'm one of those people. I'm just kidding. But I do know of a certain fashionista who did do this last season. I like to try and get to the outlet early on in the week to scope out all the offerings. Let's just say I didn't leave empty-handed. I never do.

2. Life can be sweet in good ole Milan. Especially when you live like a queen and have a car and driver on hand practically 24/7. While going to shows, resee appointments, dinners and parties from 10am until midnight on average every day for 6 days can be brutal, it would be absolutely hell on earth if you didn't have a car and driver taking you to every place. Actually IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE. Milan is one of those cities that even though I've traveled there twice a year for many years, I can't tell you how to get from my hotel to any location whatsoever.

3. Food (also known as dinner as I often don't have time to eat lunch) is as important as the shows IF NOT MORE IMPORTANT. I almost tend to think I go to Milan just to eat. I could conceivably just watch all the shows on style.com or elle.com, wait for lookbooks, see the collections when they come to NYC (as they are now....as I am reseeing almost every collection again now that it's in NYC in November). But man, I would miss out on the food! But there is one drawback: these damn fashionistas can't think of any original places. There are, like, 5 restaurants in all of Milan that fashion people know about. Le Langhe (corso como, 6), a fave of Tom Ford, is the place to see and be seen. AND EAT THE BEST SALAD EVER. It's not even listed on the menu. So next time you're in the area, be a real "insider" and order "the Moschino salad" which is an "Elaine from Seinfeld "big" salad" with romaine, corn, hearts of palm, avocado, parmesan. Not to be mixed up with "the tropicale salad" (pronouced: tropp-e-call-ay) found at Da Ilia (via lecco, 1) which doesn't bother with the green stuff (lettuce) and instead just has all the yummy things. And during the spring season (and sometimes during the fall, if you're lucky) it's all about the "carciofi" salad....raw baby artichokes sliced with shaved parmesan, lemon juice and olive oil.

Back to Le Langhe, you'll want to order the veal Milanese, the traditional dish of the city: a breaded veal cutlet, flash fried and then topped with chunks of raw tomatoes and arugula. Is your mouth watering yet? Mine is.

4. During the September shows the weather is still seasonal and venues that use tent-like spaces...well, guess what? Shove a few hundred people in there...well, it gets fucking hot in there! The Ferretti show space is a clear-plastic tent. In the fall, it's really pretty with the tall green trees showing through the clear plastic. But yup! THE SUN SHINES THROUGH TOO! I'm usually looking for my quick getaway as soon as I enter these shows. For any claustrophobe I highly recommend bypassing these shows and taking a breather outside.

This season at Cavalli was no different. Hot, hot, hot! But they do give you a bottled water in that animal print plastic Cavalli tote left on your seat. And this season there was a bonus! Cocktail wieners! I kid you not. They were like Slim Jims on steroids vacuum sealed in a package. I couldn't help but notice what fashionistas were noshing. Yup, an asshole was noshing on a wiener! How apropos! It was none other than Karolina. I must admit, I went through the whole season and I have to say that she's still officially an asshole.

5. Ok, back to food, I TOLD you! One of the joys of coming to Milan during the fall is that it is TRUFFLE SEASON. There is almost nothing better than a linguine with butter and fresh truffles shavings on top. Even the most die-hard Atkins following, anorexic, non-carb eating fashionistas can't resist the delectable taste of Milanese truffle pasta. The die-hards can indulge in one bite (it is super rich) but the others share a plate (or two) as an appetizer before having a main course. I may hate Milan but I can't say I mind eating my tartufo pasta. And there's a good one at Le Langhe. But of course!

Project Runway: The Movie

Way to show how fashion people are truly irritating. Is it me or does this season of Project Runway have the most untalented and lame contestants ever? I can hardly watch. But while I'm watching I can only think of how to cast the movie version because these people are such caracatures.

Characters played by (as they come to mind:)
Angela played by Julia Roberts -- she's just as untalented and irritating as the actress herself
Uli played by Uma Thurman -- she would have a really thick accent like in The Producers or Naomi Watts
Michael played by Taye Diggs -- ok, not the best choice but I can't think of anyone better in that role
Kayne played by Neil Patrick Harris -- again, not the best but it's between him and Chad Michael Murray
Jeffrey played by Travis Barker -- I mean, that's pretty fucking perfect
Laura played by Marcia Cross -- both stiff as a board
Vincent played by Elton John -- the glasses!

Tim Gunn played by Will Ferrell -- he would be hysterical
Nina Garcia played by Eva Longoria -- not the best fit again but can't think under pressure
Michael Kors played by Bruce Willis -- my first choice would have been the late John Ritter
Heidi Klum played by Jessica Simpson -- any "dumb" blonde will do

Thank God for Tivo so I can fast forward as much of the show as possible. Ok, so now I'm up to the point where they are heading to Paris. First class no less! This reminds me of going to Paris twice a year for the shows....just 'round the corner. Where breakfast of coffee, a croissant and a fruit plate costs about 50 euro (the equivalent of $65). That's where the expense account comes handy. Thankfully I work somewhere that doesn't require me to go to a boulangerie and buy my takeout breakfast. That's what happens at independent magazines not owned by large conglomerate operations such as Conde Nast. You've heard of that company, right? Or how insiders like to refer as Condescending and Nasty. I'm not telling you anything new. That description has been going around since the beginning of man. While I can't admit (or not) to working there, it is safe to say that being a Conde Nasty (as employees there are called) has its perks. Big Apple car service at your disposal, free clothes, beauty products, shoes, bags...all the swag you can bring home to your tiny, cramped NYC apartment. If you're a Conde Nasty editor-in-chief you get a lease on any car that you want (for your private use) in addition to a car and driver while you're in the city. You also get some interest-free loan or some crazy 15-year mortgage paid by the company for a swanky pad in the city or wherever you may choose. But as cushy it may be, it can all be gone tomorrow. It happens just so frequently. Ad pages down? OUT! Just ask Alan Katz, the recently departed Vanity Fair publisher. Just ask Ariel Foxman, the recently axed editor of the now, defunct, Cargo magazine. Bye, bye Shop Etc. Adios, Teen People. Toot-a-loo, Ellegirl. A fitting end to this entry? Bringing it back to Project Runway....it's just like Heidi says, "In fashion, one day you're in...the next day you're out."

She really is an asshole!

Welcome to the ramblings of a real life fashionista. Unlike that certain tale written by a former assistant to you-know-who, this is written by someone truly inside the fashion circle, a true insider's tale. The real deal. Not just some made-up story by someone who lasted as a second assistant for half a second and knew hardly a stitch about what happens in the fashion world. Think of it as the fashion version of Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County as opposed to the O.C.

What makes me an authority opposed to the author mentioned above? I AM a fashion editor and have attended fashion shows, run thrus, industry events and the collections in Milan and Paris. Come join me as I head into the Spring 2007 season beginning with the runway shows in New York in September. I'll tell you about what really happens at the shows, parties and all the real-life ridiculous drama that can only happen in fashion. Along the way I'll poke fun at myself and how crazy it is that these fashionistas can really get under my skin.

How can I really be legit if I'm sitting in the fourth row? I'm not now but at one point I was. I'll tell you tales from the days when I was in the fourth row and what I had to do to get ahead in fashion. Nope, it doesn't mean sleeping your way to the top. With a roomful of heterosexual women, it wasn't that easy. Just kidding.

Talking about sitting in the fourth row....it brings me to my first topic of conversation: Female editors at other magazines who become complete, utter assholes when they either A. get a new title/promotion or B. go from a Tier 2 or 3 magazine to a Tier 2 or 1 magazine (for instance go from someplace like Glamour to Harper's Bazaar). The word "bitch" doesn't really do the job in describing these girls. In some ways calling them a "bitch" would be a compliment. Somehow the word "asshole" really does seem to do the trick when describing these undeniably insecure girls.

I can rattle off a list of girls who literally won't talk to you if you are still an editor and they're now a director. Talk about high school...fashionistas are the worst. Let's take Karolina (ok, names have been changed to protect...ok, maybe not PROTECT since really, when did I start to give a shit about these assholes?...anyway as I was saying...names have been changed so that I don't get sued for defamation of character!)...ok, so Karolina, is a director at a fashion magazine for less than a year. She's got the attitude of someone 20 years her senior and 50 times her credibility and respect. A year ago she was probably sitting in the fourth row. I have no idea...I didn't know who the heck she was! But then she went from associate or assistant to director and voila! Asshole!

Then there's Noelle. Nice, NICE girl for the 5-6 years that I knew her. Then a move from a more mass but popular magazine to a complete disrespected but more fashionable title...and voila! Asshole! Can't even muster a hello to me when she sees me (or ANYONE for that matter). And it's not like her magazine is even a good one. It is universally one of the laughing stocks of the industry with a circulation that hasn't risen in ten years. So why the attitude? Who knows. I like to blame it on incredible insecurity. Maybe I'm being too nice.

Ok, one more last one and then that's it. Her name is Leslie. She used to work as an assistant at a fringe magazine (not exactly a women's title), then became a fashion director at a fashion title...and voila! Asshole! I remember that one defining moment when at a Giorgio Armani party at his restaurant Nobu in Milan. She motioned over to me and while pointing to the two girls standing next to her (both of whom I already met earlier at a fashion show) she uttered, "I want to introduce you to my staff." MY STAFF? I mean, who says that? So full of herself and she had been in the position for all of 10 minutes. Next day? The magazine folded. Kaput. Done. That was the end of Leslie and "her staff." To her credit, after losing her job she did become somewhat humbled and wasn't as much of an asshole. Now that she has another job let's see how she acts this coming season. Stay tuned.